Me vs Life - It's Been a While.

Hello readers! It's been a long time coming since I've posted anything on this site whether it be a story or one of these lovely blog posts but here I am once again. Now I'm not sure how far into detail I will be getting into this post or what exactly will be the outcome of this but I really felt the need to get things off my chest and finally get myself to write something and who knows maybe one of you out here will get some advice out of this. Many of you may know me as my username Neverendinghope and may be familiar with some of my stories like I'll Be You're Safety Net, Strength and of course Run Away With Me but right now I want to show you at least a glimpse of me, the one behind all these post. For those of you who don.t know me my name is Karina, a twenty-one year old who for the past couple of years spent her life writing and writing in an attempt to make things seem a little better. Like many of you I'm sure have gone through some tough situations of your own and whether you use writing as a form of therapy or not, reading this next statement will make some sense and may or may not hit some cord.

When something so important in your life (like writing, music, drawing, anything really) gets taken away from you, and it goes from something that used to bring happiness to something that brings you utter frustration and sadness then you know something is wrong and you should probably see why it's making you feel that way and do something about it right?

I mean I'd like to think so, in any given problem you should try to find the source and fix it, but did I do that? No not really.. About three years ago I made a complete change in my life, it was partly good and partly terrible. I went from one day being this overly optimistic person who always put everyone first, and gave advice to everyone and anyone to being a completely introverted person that shut everyone out, and who was barley holding on to an ounce of hope. At that time I felt like everything just came out of the blue and I was overwhelmed with it all. I didn't know how to adapt to these new feelings of being depressed and being filled with anxiety and each time I struggled I would just end up in a panic attack and putting things in my head like I was a complete failure and look at where I'm at now. I wasn't my own biggest fan, I felt disgusted because here I was letting my plans go to rot, sitting in a little square in a town that no one one knew and I just felt myself sinking and sinking more and more with no way out. As things kept going wrong I did what I felt was best and I shut everything out and got into writing. The year came and went and I was starting to feel like a new person. I was no longer this person filled with sadness and I was starting to see things differently, i believed that I was just sitting there writing whatever ideas came to mind at any minute but in all reality I was writing my life, day by day and that's why I no longer felt sad. I was tackling my feelings without letting them consume me and it helped me in ways you couldn't believe. My writing helped me realize things I was feeling that I wasn't allowing myself to see. I wrote things like running away, family issues anything you could think of and it was genuine, no matter how fine I seemed on the outside once you actually sat down to read one of my pieces then you would probably figure that there was more to it, why they always seemed so deep. I spent a year of my life identifying myself through my character Melodee, through her I said things and did things I wish I could. I let everything out through her in ways that I no longer felt like I could do with the people around me. I went through that year hiding behind her name because I felt that was the only way I could be able to be okay again. Even though all my life I was the go to person for someone to talk to for advice or just to vent I personally didn't feel like I could do that with anyone because of things that happened and because I no longer wanted to see my family sad because of how I was, I couldn't take seeing my mother cry anymore so I did what I did. At the beginning of the next year I was finally able to move out from the valley and into a new environment. I was nervous to make the new adjustments but I was excited nonetheless, I started college and was feeling a whole lot better, this is finally that new start I longed for. A couple months in i got my first job and I was excited to be meeting new people and keeping busy. Things were going pretty decent, I couldn't complain up until I befriended someone from work. I know that may sound weird but that was when my second big change came around. At the time I was working on a big writing project for myself and coincidentally this person was linked to it. He and I became fairly close VERY quickly, we spoke on the phone/ texted almost daily, worked together pretty often and hung out outside of work a couple of times. He became my mentor, someone who helped me with my writing, helped me with my anxiety and opened up my mind in ways that I wasn't fully aware of. He became someone I could trust and I saw myself finally opening up again. With this friendship I noticed how I changed. I no longer was this person who was afraid to speak out, and was so reserved on the contrary I was slowly starting to get out of my shell and talk to everyone. I stopped coming off as shy and actually contributing and it felt good to no longer have to hold back. As months passed I grew more and more comfortable with this person and of course feelings got involved in both ends. I fell for this person because of the things he put into my head, all this false advice, empty promises and false hope and before I could stop it and walk away I was already in too deep. I spent a time struggling on what to think, what to feel, what was right and wrong but I was at the point that I couldn't even distinguish things that came into my own mind or his lies that kept getting fed into my head. I was so lost, feeling helpless and I didn't know who to turn to so what did I do? I turned to my writing or at least I tried to. I left the situation with him and I gave my all to my writing but as many times as I tried to put a pen to paper or typing something, anything I just couldn't. I would get stuck each and every time and I would get filled with so many emotions that I couldn't even continue. I would breakdown, toss everything aside and feel it all consume me. For a long time I went around, living life in literally auto pilot. I shut everything down, I no longer wanted to feel anything, or let myself think because it was all too much and I had to put on a brave face because I couldn't bear having someone ask and it all come rushing back. I did things in this period that I'm not proud of, and I did them because I believed that was my only way to cope. I was willing to take any opportunity that helped me let go and detach my feelings of the situation once and for all and looking back I know that wasn't the best choice to make. Months passed, I got a new job, met new people and started to date again. Bit my bit I started to open up again but I knew I wasn't fully ready yet, with a simple run in was all it took for my walls to come crumbling down. I felt scared coming across that again but I stuck it out and didn't let it defeat me like it did before. It's taken me awhile to finally let everything go and allow myself to heal and slowly but surly I'm getting myself back. Now I'm not going to sit here and tell you guys that my life has been perfect ever since then, oh no it hasn't. I deal with day to day stress and once and a while I will hit some anxiety when it becomes too much. Trust me I've come across a lot of times where I'm just staring off into space and just picking at the skin on my lip, no matter how much it hurts and it's because I'm stressing out. I've been through more then you can think of; harassment, losing friends, being used time and time again, worried about money issues and how I'm going to pay bills, family conflicts, feeling like you're misunderstood, you name it! In the short time coming I've gone through a bunch of stuff but you know what I'm still learning. I stopped letting these things define me and wear me down to shreds. I used to let it cling to me and let it be this thing that was constantly eating me up inside, making me feel full of regret and I kept beating myself up for whatever happened even if the majority of these things weren't my fault or my doing. It took me a long time to finally stop doing that and don't get me wrong I do still have those moments here and there but I try to not let it go to a certain extent. I'm not a perfect person nor will I ever be and I'm fine with that. Yes I constantly strive to better myself and that's good but I'm not going to punish myself anymore like that. The thing I'm trying to say here is that life will be a constant battle and it can bring both good and bad, no matter what way you try to take it. Majority of the time or shall I say in very recent time I've only wished I could just get away for a bit and finally take that much needed break I need. I could only wish for one day I can stop worrying about all the hurt and who I can and can't trust and just have someone tell me "It's going to be okay" and genuinely mean it and care. I want to stop encountering these bad people who leave me in these situations but what will be the fun in that right? If things aren't going as you wish, don't beat yourself up like I did or keep it bottled up. Try and figure out how you can fix it as soon as you can and take action. Talk to someone, anyone or just write it down to yourself. You don't have to conceal your feelings if you don't want to, if you feel like just breaking down then by all means do it, don't worry about what the person next to you will think when that happens because I'm sure that someone will be concerned and want to at least hear you out. There are many sources out there that can help and I see that now. At the end of the day do what's best for YOU, for your health, your life, everything. I'm getting better day by day and I will continue to work for that, things are slowly taking its course and changing so I will keep moving forward and I know you guys can too. Once again I'm here if anyone wants to talk or if you have any comments/questions don't be afraid or hesitate to send me a message. I'm here for you guys just like I know you've been there for me. Thanks for sticking with me over the years and I promise I will be posting some stories very soon since I just finally got myself to write again! Thanks again and I hope you guys have a good day! :)