Parents
Mum moving away
My own house
Relationship break down 1
Moving country
Living away from home
Relationship break down 2
Moving on and the next steps
The main reason my last relationship broke down is mainly because I wanted a serious relationship, where as the girl I was with really didn’t want that, she wasn’t very interested in seeing me much more than once a week towards the end, now I don’t care how busy you are, if you take your relationship seriously and you love that person then youre going to be spending a lot more than just a couple nights a week with them … I want a serious, proper relationship, Ive experienced SO much in my life so far, I think Ive experienced too much… I look at people around me to compare, how easy have they got their lives?
Amy is a good example, lives with parents, will never struggle financially, never properly fallen hard in love, never experienced some of the things I have. I envy people like Amy for one reason, she has a family, Ive never really known what its like to have a proper family, that’s probably why this break up between us is still affecting me, because I saw Amy as someone I wanted to be with forever, but as Ive said on many occasions she ran away when the relationship hit a rocky patch, it could easily have been fixed and it could have been the best relationship in the world, we could have had it all.
When I was 2 my parents split up, I have absolutely no memory of my Mum and Dad living together, from then on they shared me, they argued, they got on well, and as I grow older I understand both sides… Im proud to say im the perfect mixture of both my Mum and my Dad.
Dad is a soft touch, straight down, he is the best father in the world, he is incredible, I cant put into words what an incredible man he is, and that probably comes from his experiences in life.
My Dads dad was born in Poland, a soldier for the polish army who got shot when germany invaded the country, he, along with thousands of other polish soldiers came into the UK for recovery and in the end to live. He met a woman, fell in love and they lived together forever. He was a very stern man, Dad would tell me stories where my Grandad would physically beat him, that’s normal for the polish and british old times. I only saw my polish grandad a number of times, and my dad always said that he had never seen him smile more than when he saw me… it was a nice touch.
Dad is the opposite though, hes a lot like me, though not 100% like me.
I know in my life I have the capacity to become my Dad, but I know I never will. Dad put 100% into every single relationship he was in, a lot like me, he fell in love HARD, he tells me stories of girls he fell in love with and things ended and it ruined his life, he struggled literally to live his life again because he was so destroyed, it’s a lot like me.
On dads other side though hes a mega player, he was a british champion weightlifter/body builder, and in his time he has been to jail on numerous occasions, been in comas, been shot at, and slept with 300+ woman in the process. I have the capacity to sleep with that many many girls, I know that, but there is still a side to me that holds back because my heart just wants to find that old fashioned relationship where you find one and that’s it, that’s what Amy was in my mind, she was always the one for me.
When I was born he had no option to change, that’s what makes him the best dad in the world, my friends adore him, everyone does, hes the most incredible dad in the world and it’s a shame Amy never got to meet him because she would have loved him to and he would have loved her.
Mum on the other hand took work more seriously than she took me, Dad would tell me stories of me growing up and Mum would never be around, Mum would always be out at work or seeing friends. But Mum has grown out of it over time, and in the past 8-10 years has become the most intelligent woman I know, I respect her more than anyone bar my grandparents and our relationship is closer than any child and mother I know.
Im a mix of both of them, and its who I am and im proud. But growing up without a Mum and Dad to come home to wasn’t nice, it was normal to me, and I always wondered what it was like for all the other kids to have a normal family.
Mum and Dad had no choice but to get along whilst I was growing up, to remain civil, they had to. But once I reached around 15-16 the arguments would start, it would be petty immature things, but my Dad loved my mum so much, and mum couldn’t commit to him, she was so focused on her work and left me and my Dad in the dark. In the end its Mum that left my dad, but Dad said he never cared, he only ever cared about me the entire time which to be honest is what I would be like.
When I was 14 my Mum told me she would be moving away… leaving me, moving country, going up to Scotland… It was a shock.
The morning she left I broke down in tears, and so did she, and for the next 2 months I suffered with severe anxiety and couldn’t sleep. But obviously, I had to grow up, I had no choice now, I was on my own with my Dad and living part time with my auntie, I had no choice but to mature in my mind, which I did.
Then my auntie left and I was stuck with the house, mum was on the phone again in tears, she didn’t want this for me… By this stage my mind was too shocked to really know what was even going on. Next thing I know I was given the house and I had to look after it.
I was 15… I didn’t have a clue to be honest, it was easy to maintain it, most of the time I would love to just be there alone, I find it easy to be without family and to be on my own, its what I prefer to be honest. But it was weird, I kept it quite at school, only my close friends knew. It was fun, but it was weird, I felt like I was 15 going on 20/21.
On the eve of my 17th birthday I went out with Jodie, thinking about it brings back the best, happiest moments of my life. We were SO close, we were together around 8 months, and we spent almost every single day together, we loved each other, the sex was CRAZY, we adored each other, we were addicted to each other, its what a proper relationship should be like. She grew up though, she realised in life what she wanted, and compared to my drive and ambition for success and money her aims were much lower and different, she couldn’t be with me because she would drag me down, so she left… It destroyed me.
I wasn’t driving back then, so I would drink to solve the problems in my mind, almost every day, Id just drink, it was horrible, but it did help. She stayed my friend, she knew walking away and blocking me out of my life would just make everything worse, she cared so much for me and she made sure I was alright… We had a massive fall out though, I mean massive. When Amy broke up with me the first person texting me was Jodie, she text me on Christmas and my birthday, neither of which Amy did. She messaged me again last night which was nice. We are both clever enough and wise enough to know we would never ever get back together, but we care about each other, we are friends, she has a boyfriend who she adores but we both gave each other such amazing happiness I guess she wants to just make sure Im okay, and Im the same with her, it’s a weird but nice feeling. When Im down in 3 weeks I might mention if she wants to meet up, but I don’t know, it would be pretty cool to chill out again and I know she would say yes, we will see.
After college I had plans to move away to Scotland… The last couple of weeks in Torquay were emotional, to say the least. Saying goodbye to my friends was hard.
Tasmin broke down in tears, and so did I when we hugged and said our farewells.
Me and Jamie T hugged and shared a tear, he later told me he got home and just cried his eyes out bless him.
Me, Jordan, Alex and jack shared a drink, our bond is special, we know we will be friends forever and we will always try and see each other. The guys were all teary eyed but none of us broke.
Saying goodbye to Jamie K was the hardest, I didn’t know what to say to him, neither of us cried, I just said to him work hard and keep going, and when he left and walked down the street I just burst out into tears.
Saying goodbye to every one of my friends was horrible, but family was just as hard.
My grandparents hugged me, Nan was same old Nan, see you soon, love you lots, not many words but she knew I was doing the right thing, the wisest woman in the universe she is. Grandad is just as emotional as I am, I kind of know where I get my softness from now, because he couldn’t stop crying, it was hard.
The morning I left I remember Dad was there, the hug we had, its making me tear up just thinking about it.
It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, say goodbye to my Dad that morning, it was not easy at all.
Living away from my home where I grew up was hard, I had mum and Matt there but it was still hard because they were always working, I managed to get a job and that kept me busy. I wasn’t very social, I found it hard to begin with.
Then I met Amy, I wont go deep into it because it just upsets me so much, I thought she was the one, the things she said to me made me believe we could get through anything, she made me happy and I made her happy, like every relationship we had dodgy patches, but in the end she ran away from it.
Moving on has been hard, it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life… If I was back home it would be easy, I would be surrounded by hundreds of close friends who would help me through it, up here Im very much alone, yeah I have friends but none of them are best friends, back home I have friends who ive been friends with for 10+ years, we know each other inside out, we can read each other like a book, up here people are different aswell, they are almost reluctant to get close to you, its weird. Mum helps, she talks to me about it now and then to make sure im alright. The letters I got from Grandad broke me down, the stuff he told me made everything so much harder to accept.
But yeah, it isn’t easy at all, shes in my mind all day every day, Dad tells me its normal, hes been there, he said it takes time.
For love nor money I don’t understand why she did it, why shes done what shes done, why shes said what she has, when once upon a time she adored me and I made her the happiest girl in the world, I don’t know why now she hates me, yeah I went a little bit crazy but who wouldn’t when your girlfriend dumps you and blocks you on absolutely everything.
Shes not like Jodie, I will be very surprised if I ever have a nice conversation with her ever again, it would be nice obviously, but I don’t think Amy has the capacity to ever really talk to me again, and I don’t know why, maybe its because she did love me so much and then for so much time to pass and then to talk to me again would just set off sparks, look I don’t know. The last few months have been by a country mile the hardest Ive ever had to get through.
So what next?
Well I have a lot of plans, my philosophy on life has changed, Im 20, I should be enjoying myself, having fun whilst I can. As morbid as it sounds I could get hit by a truck tomorrow and die, its true, I want to enjoy my life for the time being, it will help me truly move on from Amy aswell.
So what am I doing you may be thinking?
In 3 weeks Im going to drive down to Newcastle, Im spending a few nights there with Jack before we drive down to Torquay where I will be for 3 weeks. I have plans there to take my Dad away on holiday, take my Grandparents out for meals, and a load of days out with various friends. Whats nice is that the weather will be warm, so I can wear shorts and a T shirt and with my new car I can really have a nice time.
In May Im going back home again and Im spending all of June there, Im going to spend my time wisely, in the gym, with family, with friends, Im going to make my connections with everyone as strong as possible because neither my dad or grandparents are spring chickens anymore.
In July I start my placement year with someone, I have an interview this week with hopefully more to come, so in the year I will be earning 18k+, I will have money to burn by the end of the year, although saving up for a mortgage is appealing, but we shall see.
Me and Jack are also off to T in the Park together, we know a load of other people going but me and Jack are real festival hardcorers, so we will probably spend it together, I cannot wait for that.
Over Christmas and New Years I could be off to New York, Jack has a placement year over there to study, not work, so Ive told him if he isn’t coming back for the festive period I will make sure to go over and spend it with him. Im not having one of my closest friends spend his Christmas alone! And spending Christmas, my birthday and New Years in New York? Wow.
Next summer after placement me and Jack are looking into the possibility of buying a campervan and driving around the US and Canada for 3 months, its only a plan at the moment but when Jack says he wants to do something it usually happens, so this is very much on, and Im a traveller, Im a journeyman, so I would be very much up for it, money wouldn’t be a problem either because of my placement year, so that could well be on.
There are also slow plans of me and Jack starting a business, we are keeping it close to our chests at the moment but it’s a work in progress and we are both studying business degrees and we are both highly intelligent, it would work, I know it would, capital would be the only problem, but again, we shall see.
Other than that obviously there will be spontaneous trips like I had to Amsterdam, coming out of nowhere and at last minute, I may go interrailing with Jamie sometime around Europe which would be nice.
I have the car Ive wanted for years and I love it, the next step up is a Corvette, and yes, I am being 100% serious and realistic.
So yeah, lots of experiences and lots coming up, keeping myself busy is the best cure for the hell of whats happened in the past 4 months, live your life with friends and family whilst you can because you never know whats going to happen round that corner, treasure every special moment.
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