Getting It off My Chest.

So, I've been kind of in a rut for a while and I spent the night with two of my best friends and it got kind of serious. I've been having trouble with this guy that has been trying to make my life a living hell. Like I don't have enough on my plate. He's just continuously texting me and saying all these shitty horrible things to me. I've out him on my spam list, but of course I'm a masochist so I go to my spam box every now and again, I say to just delete them, but that's not the truth.

And it's just gotten to the point that it's really hard to keep up this 'idgaf' attitude that I've put on for myself. It's my defensive move I guess. But, every time I read those texts it makes me feel so shitty and bad about myself. Like, I don't understand why people, especially some guys, feel the need to make other people fucking hate themselves.

We went on one fucking date two years ago and I didn't even do anything spectacular to catch his attention like he's saying I did. He'll text me and say that he's practically in love with me and that he can't stop thinking about me and that no other girl compares, and I guess it would be flattering if it wasn't so damn creepy.

Everything just feels like it's piling up on me. My brother has been in and out of jail and rehab for the past few years, dealing with drugs and alcohol, and it's kind of taking it's toll on me. And definitely taking it's toll on my mom and little brother. My older brother, Andrew, we were never really close growing up and it wasn't until I became a teenager, about year 16, that we actually got closer. And it was kind of the drugs that made us closer. I never did them, but they made him so much nicer and less of a temper. But, him going in out and out of jail and rehab isn't helping anything. And my little brother, Ryan, you can tell he's having a difficult time. He's going to be fourteen this year and he needs a better male figure in his life. My dad works super late nights, so he's never really home with Ryan and of course Andrew isn't here.

Sometimes it just feels like I can't hold anything up anymore. It's draining to try and be happy and smiley around my friends and family when I've got all these awful thoughts in my head. I get asked sometimes what's going on in my brain and honestly if I were to actually say, they'd probably put me in lakeside. I just want to feel better about myself and my choices and who I am as a person, but it's hard because I feel like I'm lying to myself and everyone around me.

Music, especially lately, has become my biggest security blanket because I don't want to go back to what I had been doing.

I just want someone to tell me that what I'm feeling is okay and that it gets better, because lately it doesn't feel that way.