Teenage Angst and the Lack Thereof It.

I was the ripe, young age of 15 when I finally started to feel comfortable with myself. I was in a new school, I had new friends, I had a boyfriend who turned into a 3 year+ high school sweetheart, I had a sanctuary in my bedroom, my GPA was a consistent 3.5+. I stopped reading so much, which looking back on it a small bit of regret hits me for putting my time on things other than the English language, but it was a really good thing because before books had been my coping mechanism. I didn't need to cope anymore. At least not on a daily basis. I felt myself come out of my shell and mature: it was a physical realization one day in an algebra class with my aforementioned high school sweetheart, he looked and me and said, "Baby, you're a lot more social than you'd think". He was right.

I attribute a lot of my maturation to that relationship, if I'm honest. Though I can't say with any solidity that that relationship is the reason why I matured. But we went through a lot of trial and tribulation, we supported each other through thick and thin, and we even got to walk down the isle way together at our graduation ceremony to snag our diplomas. He was a very social guy, admittedly, he knew almost the entire 120 graduating class by name and then several other under and over grads as well. I had to be social to be with him, at least to an extent. It was when I was finally able to come out of my head and talk to people that I noticed a big turn around in my view of the world. By my senior year of high school nothing was bad and everything was perfect and the world was round and spinning so fast that it made me dizzy but that was okay because I could handle it. Me. Sarah. I could handle it.

And now looking back on it all. I was so naive. There are still days that I think I can't handle this world. That I try to get a grapple on it all but it still shoves me down. There's a lot of competition in college, no matter what field of study you're in, and it sucks big time. In high school we all worked in tandem as couples and friends and even just acquaintances. But in this big, real, world it's a true every man for himself feel. If you don't keep yourself steady you'll be thrown to the dogs.

It's times like this that I miss that indescribable feeling of anger at the world. There's a large part of me that isn't angry at the world anymore: I'm not angry at teachers or friends, parents or peers. I'm angry at myself for not being steady. Looking back on it, teenage angst was an anchor that held me to the Earth's surface with what was a happy disposition with myself, and now it's gone. It's jsut another ting to relearn, I guess, another shell to molt from.