It's been years since I've posted on here. I used to be active on here a lot. I decided to re-visit because I'm thinking about carrying on with the story I had planned. I really miss writing.
So this is my first ''blog'' post in years. I feel like talking about something very... gooey. I'm a hopeless romantic, and the whole concept of love really quite fascinates me. I am going to tell my boyfriend that I love him for the first time when the next fitting moment presents itself. I'm seeing him tonight so it could quite possibly be today and if not, some point this weekend.
I've been with my current boyfriend for 4 1/2 months and we were friends beforehand for over a year. His name is Tom. He's gorgeous, very intelligent, really charismatic, naturally gifted at nearly everything, and very kind-hearted. Also, completely ridiculous in almost every way. We met through mutual friends at the end of 2013. My earliest memory of him is him playing pool in the pub we were in, and looking at me a lot (apparently his girlfriend at the time yelled at him a lot that night for it).
Now... some back story. I have had one serious relationship before Tom which I thought was love. My ''first love''. We were on-and-off for about 2 1/2 years. It was that typical case of being with someone who kept making me unhappy but being too blinded by ''love'' to see how unhealthy it really was. Long story short... although he never physically cheated on me (though I've heard he tried), he was extremely inappropriate with numerous girls behind my back for the entire duration of the relationship. Not only that, but he lied compulsively, not only to me but about me. I really thought it was love but meeting Tom made me realise I should have left that relationship years ago.
Tom and I were both in relationships when we met. Tom vaguely knew my boyfriend and he made it quite clear to me he did not like him (none of my friends did) but he'd always say, ''As long as you're happy,'' and I'd pretend I was, because I wanted to be. Tom and his girlfriend broke up a couple months after we met, and Tom and I began talking more. Tom would tell me he'd ''completely given up on women'' and couldn't see himself ever entering another relationship. He told me how he'd never found it so easy to talk to someone before and would open to me about his past relationships, and his struggle with anxiety. We went out out for dinner once and he was so nervous he couldn't eat a single bite of his meal! He told me he struggled to eat in front of attractive women, and also ended admitting he had feelings for me. I assured him this wouldn't come between our friendship.
Eventually I decided that I was never going to be able to trust my then-boyfriend. Things got especially strained when he moved in with a friend's family and I wasn't allowed to stay over and he couldn't make the effort to come to me. I spent every lone day heavily considering breaking up with him. I knew deep down it was the answer but I was still scared.
One evening, Tom came round mine to watch a movie. His anxiety played up a lot and he got sick -- he thought he might have to leave. We ended up cuddling until he calmed down. At the end of the night he told me something really deep: He said he was relatively happy in his life -- that he had good friends, a decent job and money -- but he felt like there was one massive thing missing, and he was sure it was me.
A few days later, I broke up with my boyfriend. Over the next few weeks Tom took me out on dates. We saw fireworks together, went for dinner (when he was eventually comfortable enough to eat in front of me), had our first kiss on my doorstep. I'll always remember the first night he slept in my bed. He was kissing me all over, and his body was shaking with the excitement.
Our friends were and are so ecstatic about us being together. They say they've never seen either of us so happy. And I am SO happy. Because of my last relationship I've been so wary, and I carried over those trust issues. I was quite hard on Tom at first because of it. But he's been amazing. He'll surprise me with flowers, and he'll drive over to cuddle me at 1am if I'm just feeling a bit down. I can talk to him about anything I'm worried about and he'll be totally understanding and willing to work on anything. He doesn't lie to me, and seems genuinely proud to call me his girlfriend.
We've talked about saying the ''L word'' a few times in the past. Because it's important to both of us, we both felt like we didn't want to rush into saying it. Tom especially said he's always said he too soon or when he hasn't meant it in the past and he doesn't want to make that mistake again.
Lately though, I notice Tom's been bringing it up a lot. The other day he told me how he worries about how and when to do it. And he is so terrified that I'm going to say I don't feel the same way. When he told me this, I kind of froze -- truth is, I haven't put too much thought into it because in all honesty, it scares me making that kind of commitment. But I know that it is how I feel, and if he did say it, I would be able to say it back to him -- and confidently.
So I've decided I'm going to be brave, and tell Tom first. I've never done that before, and I'm so nervous!
Wish me luck!
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