Today Was the First Time I've Ever Cried During High School

If you've been following my blogs, then you know it's the "College and Scholarship Application Process" season for me. As of now, I'm on the scholarship part.

In January, I applied for a scholarship that was connected to my dream school and is a little over $5,000. Granted, it's not one of those $10,000 a year ones but when your household income is $20,000 a year, any amount of money helps.

I've applied to about 50 scholarships so far and I didn't receive any of them. It's beginning to get severely frustrating for me. People at my school are getting full rides and I can't even get $100. Recently two of my friends have gotten the Presidential Scholarship and the Golden Apple Scholarship. One girl at my school is getting a full ride to m dream school just for being a caddy.

So fast forward to today. In the morning I got rejected from a college. I didn't want to go there, but it was Duke University so it still kind of crushed my heart.

Fast forward to fifth period. My biggest fear about college is that I won't be able to make any friends. Talking to strangers just freaks me out and it takes me a long time to warm up to people. When I found a roommate, I was so happy. I asked her when we should get together to talk about what dorms we want to live in. I had to text her about five times for her to finally respond with, "Oh, I committed to another school". So now I'm back to square one with that.

Fast forward to five minutes later. I get an e-mail about the scholarship I applied to in January. I was so excited, especially since they spent the first three paragraphs praising my academic success and telling me I deserve the scholarship. But then I read the last sentence. They waited until then to tell me I did not received the scholarship.

And from there I just broke down. While all my friends have applied to not even five scholarships and are getting most of them, I'm applying to any of the ones I can find and I have absolutely nothing. I worked my ass off since the very first day of freshman year so I could get scholarships because even then I knew I wouldn't be able to afford college. Now all these rejections are coming in and they make me feel like I'm basically worthless. I know I've only applied to thirty and there are still thousands out there, but all the failures are just getting to me. I'm either not getting them, or don't fit the requirements to even apply to them.

It was my lunch period when I found out and I didn't want my friends to see me cry so I told them I was going to eat with someone else. I really just needed to be alone so I walked aimlessly around the school by myself the entire time. Then during seventh my teacher called my group out on something about how we disappointed her so that just made me feel worse.

My sixth period teacher, who teaches creative writing, noticed I didn't seem okay. She sat next to me while everyone was working and asked if I was doing okay because I looked upset. So then the tears came out and I told her that I was rejected a scholarship I really needed and it's bad because I just can't afford college. I don't think I've ever seen her look so upset. So she excused me from working and gave me books to read.

Guys, this got me so badly that I broke down when I got mud on my shoes. Mud. I usually never care when mud gets on my shoes!

So yeah. Today was frustrating.