The Secret to Getting Noticed

Having trouble with the infamous aspect of being "social"? Did you finally decide to unwrap yourself from the duvet burrito you'd be hiding under for most of your adolescent years? Are you tired of not given a second glance, both online and offline? Well, you--the one with the crooked glasses and cheeto fingers--have come to the right place!

THE SECRET TO GETTING NOTICED by A Very Well-Known Nobody.

I hope this guide will help you launch your writing career so you get ten(s?) comments on your next novel or nudge that specimen you've been fawning over toward your way. It's essentially the same concept; really, super easy.

1. Do not be yourself.

Dude, you have to face the facts; no one actually likes Historical Fiction anymore or that super weird fanfiction about that one Steinbeck character. Have you tried John Green? You should give Teen Fiction a shot. This isn't about integrity, it's about popularity. OH, you could write something about that punk band, shoot, what's their name? Oh, 5 Seconds of Spring! Yeah, do that.

This also goes along with getting that cool girl/guy/whatever you're into to finally notice you! Stop being yourself! Whoever told you that being yourself was a good idea obviously never got their backpack thrown over the school yard or had their face pummeled into the local pond that later gave you a really ugly rash-see where that got you? Nope, you gotta change. Throw away those embarrassing anime figurines, sell that stupid Gameboy Color, and for the love of God, stop ranting about political and religious issues! No one in this generation actually cares about the "Republican Agenda" or Catholic hypocrisy, so stop it. Shut up, shallow down, and get with the program!

2. Have A Far Too Detailed Social Media Site.

Record your every move. Instagram your every meal. Message all your followers about all your "hilarious" cat stories. Trust me; it works. If you keep tabs on all your social media, people are bound to notice you! It's only logical!

[Disclaimer: The attention you get might not always be the good kind, but who cares?]

Having some oreos and milk? Take a picture, put it next to some old Dicken's book, fade the picture, and upload it to Tumblr. Five-thousand notes in a nanosecond. If you're decent with iPhone technology and have one of those free picture-editing apps, you could be considered a "photographer" and who wouldn't notice you then? The girl/boy/person you're trying to impress would definitely hop on that band wagon!

As for writing, same rules apply. Annoy the hell out of your followers. This, obviously, is most prominent in websites like Wattpad where you have the ability to notify all followers at the same time by a click of a button. They'll be receiving 50 emails from you every day! That's bound to do something! (That "something" may result in unfollows, but it's worth a shot!)

3. Lastly, Lie.

Lie like your life depended on it. You can't spell life without lie! You know what's really "in" right now? Mental disorders. That's messed up, I know, but hear me out; there's something about mental disorders that make people and characters much more interesting than the Average Joe. Make this big elaborate plan about announcing your suicide date onto your Facebook; your inbox will be swarming with poor, innocent and gullible people who suddenly want to talk to you now that you're dying. It's like, magic or something.

Followers are the same way; announce it to the world! Proclaim you cannot finish this one story because you're being admitted to the hospital or a rehab center. And hey, if you're not comfortable with that, just make all your characters have mental disorders! Don't bother actually researching them, it's not like there's more to mental disorders than Depression and Anxiety. These are a writer's best tool; cheap sympathy!

Great, now that you know the three easy steps to getting notice, you just have to put these to the test! Believe me, I've been in this field for over four years now; I know the ins-and-outs. You'll get noticed immediately, my personal guarantee!

But if you want to be a decent human being and climb the ladder of success on your own prideful and hardworking merit, disregard everything I've said.
March 31st, 2015 at 11:16pm