Friendship

I honestly expected to cry today.

So much so I ditched the idea of wearing a face of makeup today and just wore chapstick and mascara.

I don't know, I just have/had this gut feeling that something was gonna happen and I couldn't explain it.

I didn't. Luckily, I guess.

But I know now where I stand with Phe.

We're friends.

Just friends.

I don't know. We kind of just feel back into routine of how we were prior to me expressing that I like her. Not all the way, but the starting of it, I guess.

Like were just just hanging out and talking and stuff with our friends and it felt...normal. Just like how we were before in a way, I guess.

Us and a few of our other friends planned to go to shake shack for lunch and we ended up being the first two people to get there despite all of us hanging out in Barnes and Nobles prior to that. (One of my friends brought up Beyoncé and not liking her...and obviously that didn't end well for her.) From that, Phe basically grabbed me out and we walked to shake shack and she basically talked about a situation that she is gonna have to deal with over the break.

I asked her about her boyfriend/soulmate. Very general. Just a "how is he?" She said that he was fine and that he was working at the time I asked her.

We started making physical contact again. I told her I didn't want her touching me when I found out she had a boyfriend and didn't tell. And, of course, I was the first one to touch her. While we were waiting on line I would just rest on her shoulder for a few moments.

Then when everyone came and we all ate and were all getting ready to leave we were just hugging messes who were absentmindedly kissed each other cheeks.

That's when I pulled her away for a second and asked if we were friends.

And she said yeah.

And I said okay.

And she just grabbed a small chunk of my hair and then walked away.

And now I'm on a one and a half week long vacation.

I don't know, man.

I just feel like I have all this affection and love that I was giving to her prior to the situation, and it hasn't been in use cause she rejected me and I feel like I've been trying to release it in as many possible ways as I can by giving it to other people.

But it's just so satisfying when I give it to her.

But she can't be the one.

Like, I'm trying to be over her but it's still like a "Damn, where do I go from here?"

Cause now, I am single with no interest. And it's a weird thing when you've been interested in a person for so long.

Like, does that make sense?

It probably doesn't.

All I know is that it's April and it's my birthday month. What I'm going to do over this break is clean my diet up, work out a bit, focus on me and reprioritize.

Like I'm ready for love and I'm more than ready for someone to love me.

But I'm not looking right now.

Yet, if love wants me, it knows where I am.

I don't know, I just think it would be so attractive to have someone want me for once.

But it's okay. I trust God and the good cosmos of the universe.

My time will come.

It's just not now.

Total side note: Should I do that April prompt?

Love you guys.

Bye. <3