So Close to Breaking

This is purely a vent entry. I need to get this out.

I recently met and have been talking to this guy, Ozzy, and I don't know what to do. He makes me feel so fucking important and so fucking good about myself, but he's so far away and could do so much better than me. I didn't realize how much he improved my self-esteem and my self-confidence until he stopped talking to me. I almost cried myself to sleep because I hadn't heard from him for a few hours, and I know that sounds clingy and cliche and so fucking stupid it would make heads explode, but it's true. He puts me on top of the world just by saying 'Hey' and calling me pet names, and I think I might be falling for him, but I don't know if it's returned...

He's one of the best guys I've met in years. I haven't done as much as I have with others as I have with him and one other guy, which you all know why if you've read my blog entries. I just want to be near him and cuddle and kiss him and so many other things, but I can't and it hurts so badly...

Maybe I'm naive, maybe I'm a hopeless romantic, maybe I just crave affection and love, but he makes me feel so ecstatic and so beautiful and so many other things I have never felt before, and I just want to know if I make him feel the same way.

I need some help with this, though, because the crash that comes from him not talking to me is so violent and sudden and sad. I've smoked all but one of my cigarettes, I've almost finished off a bottle of rum, and then he messaged me and I picked right back up like if just been given the best upper in the world.

I need help with this, because this feeling scares the fuck out of me and yet thrills me at the same time.