Horrible

There is this feeling that lives inside of me, just beneath my skin. I hide it most of the time, around most people. But there are times when it tears its way to the surface, like a monster eating me from the inside out. It is a painful feeling, filled with guilt, shame and self-hatred.

I wear a smile most of the time, joking and laughing. And at those times those feelings are soft, hidden and asleep. But when I'm alone I don't smile; I cry, yell, scream and beg for something to save me. Those are the times that those feelings let their fangs dig into my skin and tear me apart.

I try to distract myself; writing, reading, drawing and watching television. Those activities occasionally work, but those times are rare and few.

I feel like an abandoned house. Once full of life, with a family and laughter filling the rooms. To a rotting hole of an existence, windows broken, empty rooms and a weakened structure. So alone, ignored and damaged. Alone in the decay that has become my life.

I once had a family; we were as happy as humanly possible. Sure we had our problems, but I would pay millions to return to those times. I would work entire lifetime, saving up every penny I had to just feel mere seconds of those times. Good or bad, even the worst of times before were better than this.

To hear my grandmother's voice, and see her smile. To spend a peaceful, laughter-filled day with my sister. To see my dad look at me the way he used to, with eyes so soft and filled with pride for me. To hug my mother and feel safe and warm again. I miss those days; I would give everything to go back.

I had such bright dreams, clear as day and achievable. But now, I doubt every step I make because I am not good enough. I am no longer the girl I was before, I don't know who I am. I can't even remember who I used to be. I can only remember the times I had, and the people that I miss.

If I could go back to when I was 16, I would do everything so differently. There wouldn't be a second that I wouldn't change. Every word I said, every emotion I felt and every tear that I cried would be gone.

I no longer thank him for teaching me a lesson. I hate him for making me this way. I hate him for breaking me so badly that I can't even believe in myself anymore. I hate him for tearing my family apart by turning me into the monster that I have become.

I hate myself for letting him control me even though he isn't even by my side anymore.

I hate myself for so many reasons.