So I just took my third attempt at the NREMT. A quick rough explanation: it's an adaptive computerized exam to test your basic knowledge to become EMT licensed. It's the National Registry.
But for someone like me, who recently realized that I may have testing anxiety, it is just MEGA EVIL.
Do you guys know what testing anxiety is? For the longest freaking time, I just thought I was an overachiever or a perfectionist or whatever that really-really HATED getting answers wrong. Like, who does, right? I just thought I wanted to do very well on the exams and I just put a whole lot of pressure on myself to succeed. At most, I would say I was afraid of failing; I've just had really bad experiences with exam-taking for some reason.
Went through all my years of schooling thinking what I experienced every test and exams was normal. Come to find out nausea, having tremors and god-awful headaches, and your heart beating so fast that you can hear it in your head and rambling negativity in your head just thinking about the subject matters isn't quite average. Also looking at test questions and feeling the pressure like I'm deactivating a bomb isn't quite normal, I guess? (IS IT THE RED WIRE OR THE BLUE OR MAYBE IT'S THE BLACK.) There are other "symptoms" I deal with but yea, you probably get the gist.
Today, I was freaking out even just driving to the test. I was shaking and thought I was about to cry. CRY. But the strange thing was, I didn't know why? I was pretty calm (or at least I thought) and I was thinking "Just break down the questions one-by-one. Just like you practiced. And take all the time you need..." kinda coaching myself. And I wasn't sad or scared or particularly anything, I don't think when all the sudden I felt that tingling. You know when you start crying, you have that tingling in your nose or the back of your throat gets wicked heavy? Well yea, that was happening. WHAT??
I managed to keep it together for the ride and it passed pretty quickly. Oh and a bit of time later, I got to the place early and decided to study in my car just a bit more. And I don't know what to call it, but I could've sworn I was pulling some Exorcist shit and I was hanging upside down.
I don't even know. The testing itself was awful too. The people there who checked me in and such were so nice, so kind. But I thought I was gonna have a heart attack! (myocardic infarction, I KNOW WHAT THE MED TERM IS!!) My pulse rate is still sky-high five hours later and I can't seem to get a full intake of breath.
FUCK, Soohyun, check mah pulse...'cuz I'm tach-ing out!!
Ugh, I don't want to think about it right now but it's also the only thing I can think about. Sometimes I think all this struggle is not worth it and that I should just become a stripper. But then I remember that I don't have the "assets" for that and I can't dance.
---Psssshhhhh, if only. I'm more like:
1. What kind of anxieties do YOU have?
2. How do you deal with these anxieties?
3. Have you ever seen Bee and PuppyCat?
So you may see a lot of blogs from me, for I need a good distraction until the results are out.