I Might Have Unintentionally Offended a Family Member

Song at the Moment: "Call Me Hopeless, Not Romantic" by Mayday Parade

I don't know why, but I have a fear of touching certain people, especially if I don't know them. Shaking hands with strangers literally terrifies me and I feel awkward when certain people hug me. In Italy my heart was pounding whenever I met someone. The popular greeting there is to kiss both of a person's cheeks. Even though it scared me, I let them do it because I didn't want to be rude. Sometimes it even gets to the point where I don't even want to touch my parents. I'm not really sure what my reason for it is, but it's something that just happens. I wouldn't consider myself a germaphobe, especially since I have no problem sharing drinks. This thing about me is just there. Sometimes it happens with people I know too, but it's always random.

Unfortunately, I'm like this with certain family members. There's family on my mom's side that I fear touching even though I've known them since I was born. But I hardly see them, so I don't have to worry about it. There's a few people on my dad's side I have this problem with but it's very few. They don't really get offended, but there's one, my cousin's fiance, that gets offended easily (I mean, we're talking about a man who got uber offended and almost didn't come to my sweet 16 because the invitation said to dress up).

I slept over at my cousin's house on Saturday and left Sunday afternoon. Outside was me, my dad, my cousin, and her fiance. When saying goodbye, I hugged my cousin and kissed her cheek goodbye. No fear. Instead of hugging her fiance, I just smiled and waved. He just waved too, but his facial expression changed. Then when I was in the car, he turned to my cousin and I could tell he was talking to her in a pissed tone and he was pointing at me.

Granted, instead of staying in my place when I waved, I practically took a few steps back. That was unintentional. But I think the fact I can't hug him offends him. Judging by how he was pointing at me. Also, just before this incident, he was telling my dad how I never say hello to him whenever I'm over (which is a lie but whatever I didn't argue with it). So I think not hugging him just made matters worse.

But how do you just tell someone you can't shake hands or hug? Some of my friends link arms with me in the hallways, I have friends who hug everyone hello/goodbye, and I'm going to have to shake hands at job interviews and other encounters in my life. So obviously I have to swallow this fear down somehow, but if my cousin's fiance brings it up, what do I even say? He may just call it out as bullshit, because that's what my dad practically did.

I don't know. This has been bothering me ever since I left my cousin's house. I really don't want to offend anyone, especially someone in my family. idk maybe I'm just overthinking this.

I also just scratched myself raw this morning. I've been doing that a lot lately. I won't even have an itch but I'll just start scratching and for some reason I can't get myself to stop. So I have this to think about to. Fun fun fun fun (lol no cries cries cries cries)

Aight Imma go now. Thanks for reading my rant.

Song at the Moment: "Budapest" by George Ezra.