There Goes Another $28,000

Hey guys!

So there's been quite a lot going on for me lately. I've been super stressed about what I'm going to do with my life. I'm currently enrolled in a University here in Illinois and my first year is just about over (two weeks!). I've been stressing about where I'm going to live next year, how I'm going to pay for school, and a few other things.

My biggest issue though, is that I don't like college. I don't like any of my classes because they're all pretty blah. I'm taking two upper level english courses and they're practically nothing. I don't know what I'm supposed to be learning from them. All I'm doing is working really hard on filler work and not getting anything in return.

I'm just struggling to enjoy it, and I don't want to spend another $28,000 to go again next year. Ideally, I want to take some time off. I've been in school 16 years straight and I'm only 19. I'm going to be in school another three, and then another 4 after that. I don't have the money for this, so I'm going to be taking loans out for something I don't even want.

My mom and I got into it because I tried to explain to her that I'm not happy there and don't have the money to spend on not enjoying it. I was trying to talk through my options and we just kept fighting. She called me a quitter and laughed at my goals, and shot down everything I said.

I didn't really make a conscious decision to go back next year, I just signed up for my sophomore classes when the time came, and now everyone thinks I've decided to go back. And now my mom has mentioned, a couple times, how proud she is of me for sticking with it. She even used me as "good example" for my older brother, who is struggling to get his life together too. She told him that "you don't always get to do what you want to do" and used my situation.

The thing is, she has never told me that she's proud of me. She spends most of her time talking to me about these things, telling me that I need to grow up and stop being a quitter and all this other shit. But the minute I do something that makes me unhappy and its exactly what she wanted me to do, she's suddenly so proud of me.

I don't think she even realizes how fucked up that is. I get it, that she wants me to go back, but she's so open about how happy she is now. When she didn't have a nice word to say to me before. I just don't understand why she can't let me be happy by doing what I want to do, rather than focusing on what she wants me to do.

It's my life. It's not hers.

I have two weeks and finals left before summer. I work on campus, which means I only have two weeks of work left. My mom is already telling me I better get a job. I want one, but I don't want to rush into one. I want time to digest my life. I don't know where I'm even going with it. I guess I'm just doing what everyone expects me to do now.

A lot of people are taking summer courses at the local community college. I thought about it, but I'm not going to do it. I don't want to do it just because I should. I want my summer to myself. I don't want to be the good little student.