Dealing With PTSD.

I kind of need to rant for all of two seconds, but I don't know if it is a rant or more of just trying to sort out my thoughts.

So last night J and I went out and he drank a lot of wine and probably a few other things. Now J is a former Marine who has a really rough past (like before we met, but I know a lot of it) and seen some things I'm not allowed to know about from his deployments.

The man also runs on about three to four hours of sleep and night, goes to school full time, has a very spotty relationship with his family and works harder than anyone I have met before.

He also suffers severally from PTSD and refuses to see help. So I don't really try and push it.

Anyway, last night we got home around 10:30ish and decided to just rest in bed for a little bit and that also happened to be the time that all the alcohol that he had drank decided to catch up with him. So he threw up and couple of times, all over the bathroom and then yelled at me for trying to clean it up.

This progressed into him barely being able to keep his eyes open or anything in his stomach, so I decided to bring him in the living room to sit on the couch and have a little bit of mint tea to help with his stomach (he had stopped throwing up about 10-15 minutes prior). He then threw up on the living room floor and when I suggested we get him back to the bathroom, he started screaming at him and threw a bunch of dirty dishes on the floor and one of my most favorite mugs and then stomped off to "locked" himself in the bathroom.

I had to take a couple of really deep breaths and cry for like two seconds before sweeping up all the broken glass and going back to check on J.

I found him curled up on the floor, crying and saying that he just couldn't take it any more. So I decided to curl up on the floor with him and remind him of all the reasons he could get through this and that I loved him.

After about ten minutes of that, he agreed to get up and come to bed with me and drink at least one glass of water and could have another one next to him beside his side of the bed and the trashcan. I didn't sleep much, but I kept checking on him every two hours or so.

This isn't the first time this has happened with him. He has called me names, told me hurtful things and told me just to leave, that he doesn't want me, but I know that it is just the "other" him coming out.

Sometimes it hurts like hell. I've cried myself to sleep on the couch after some of these fights, but he always comes to get me after he has cooled off.

I love that man with all my heart. I can't wait to marry him, have children and really make a life with him. But at the same time, I want to help without being overbearing.

I just don't know what to do right now.

BUT the first thing he did this morning was apologize over and over again to me. He did agree that he was going to speak to the VA and see if someone could help him out.