Enjoy Your Misery

I think this is an appropriate title for this . The only friend that I have I can't talk to her because her phone doesn't work and we'll there's no one else . She is the only person who I can really talk about everything and not be judged and she just listens . Life is just a mess right now and it wasn't supposed to be this way . I was supposed to be in college right now a college that I really liked and instead im working there but I'm not a student and I have this guy who I don't know if it's worth it . I don't understand how some people are so cruel and think it's okay to treat someone like this . If a girl forgives you after all the lies and misery you put her through then she really wants you but I'm starting to think maybe that girl was just lonely and she thought well maybe it will be the same but it never is . Some people are just broken and I know if I leave his life forever it will be way harder then it was at first because I gave him a second chance after all that he did things that shouldn't be forgiven and he just sees me as a girl to mess around with even after all this time . I'm not a bad person I tell myself that over and over again because I need it to he true yes I made mistakes in the past but that doesn't mean I'm that person anymore. I was going through a tough time and what I was doing helped me but I wish I had stayed in that school in 9th grade and I wish my mom never moved me because if she didn't I wouldn't have gotten sad and I wouldn't have started cutting and I wouldn't have done all those bad things and I wouldn't have met all these horrible guys . But maybe I was meant to go down this path you know for a reason I just don't know what reason is yet I really don't know why and I wish I knew because it's killing me knowing things could have been so much better for me . I deserve to be a happy I really do and it ain't fair that everything is going really badly when all I've been trying to do is just be a better person for myself and it's really hard when there are people who are emotionally destroying me . I thought he still loved me but I was wrong because you don't treat people that you love this way and I feel sorry for myself sometimes because I let it be this way and now I'm trapped and I'm scared and I don't know what to do with my life . It's all wrong and I'm losing my mind . I just hope it's over soon .