I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. When I graduated from high school a year ago June 18th, I was really excited. I was going to go to some great university, get a degree in Creative Writing and English (Literature), publish another novel, have that career that I’ve wanted since I was five, find someone who could handle my whims and shit, and then I’d be happy finally. Out of the six things that I wanted to do after high school, I haven’t done anything. I hate myself.
1. Go to some great university…
Was down-scaled into a private college that charges up the who-ha, but has cut almost every single major (even though it’s a liberal arts college).
2. Get a degree in Creative Writing and English Lit…
Was turned into a half-dozen decent writing classes for CW (a dwindling major), and no longer has its EL major.
3. Publish another novel…
Has been pushed aside to “find a real job.”
4. Have that career that I’ve wanted since I was five…
Is now the aforementioned “real job.”
5. Find someone who could handle my whims and shit…
Reminds me that it’s been fifteen months since I broke up with my ex. And I hate being single. I just want to cuddle the shit out of someone, please.
I don’t want to complain about it, that’s the thing. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I want to be someone. But that someone has been beaten into the fibrous crap that you get out of a juicer.
You’re probably wondering about the “CEO, All Time Low, and Conspiracy Theorist” part of this blog.
I think those three groups there are my heroes. And that sounds weird because of the third party of that list. Let me explain.
What does a Chief Executive Officer, Alex Gaskarth from All Time Low, and Giorgio A. Tsoukalos from Ancient Aliens have in common?
They’re all so passionate about what they do.
It may seem exhausting, but you’d figure any CEO of a big company would have to be passionate about what they do. I can rag on oil companies for a moment, because I have nothing else to compare it to.
If any CEO of an oil company was just “whatever” about the company he works for, that company would a) tank, or b) he would be fired. But because he’s so passionate about what he does, he’s still that CEO. He’s still able to control the company.
Alex Gaskarth. He’s so fucking passionate about his music that it bleeds from the vocals into the guitar riffs, the bass line, the thrumming of the drums…. Everything about his take on the band is something that screams passion. It’s something far bigger than I could ever understand, but he does such a great job trying to show the fans (at concerts, through Full Frontal, everything).
The “Aliens” guy from the history channel. I think, by far, theorists are the most passionate about what they do because they take something so foreign like extraterrestrials and they believe in it whole-heartedly. Like, your shoes become untied during the day. Fuck, it was aliens. That’s how much they believe E.T. is real and is out there. I’m not making fun of Tsoukalos, God no. I’m just pointing out how amazingly passionate he is about how ancient aliens helped sculpt our history. It’s fascinating, just watching him talk with his hands.
Now, what does that have to do with me, Felix Helmsworth?
Well, I’m glad you asked.
I have lost all passion in my life. The dreams and aspirations of before (1-5), they’re all gone. I don’t know what happened. But I no longer care. And I think it’s bleeding into my stories.
I want that fire back. I want that feeling I used to get from writing before everything became, “Well Felix, you have to grow up. You can’t just be an author and sit around writing.”
I want to feel excited about writing again. I want to be ecstatic about the next chapter of Blood Lust. or the next love affair in Cosmic Lovers.
I don’t know what happened to me. I’ve just lost it all. Sure, I love writing about Blaze and Colton, or Luna and Sol. But it’s just not the same anymore. It’s something I never thought possible, that I would lose the lust of wanting to write 24/7.
I want to be Alex-Gaskarth-passionate about writing. I want to be Giorgio A. Tsoukalos, waving my hands madly because I believe in everything that I’m creating.
I look up to these guys, I really do. Because I want to have something that I feel passionate about again, just like they do. It’s just been this weird lull that I fell into a while ago, and I can’t seem to get out of.
Any tips?
Thank you for your help.
~ Felix.
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