I Hate to See It Go...

The end of senior year and life in general is starting to hit me like a mac truck with rockets strapped to the back. I’m graduating in eight days. That’s basically one week from now. I’m going to college in about two months. I’m leaving everything that I know behind. I’m going to be living without my mom for the first time. I won’t see my friend’s almost every day anymore…

I’ve said since the middle of this year how ready I was to leave and how I didn’t care about what I left behind. And at the time I really did feel that way, but slowly, as senior year comes to a close, I’m realizing I really do care. Not necessarily about the people here, but about all the experiences I’ve had, all the memories here. I’m excited to get out, but I hate to see things go. This high school provided me with so many opportunities to figure out who I am and what I’m good at. It provided me with a place to go when I didn’t want to be home. It let me be social and help others. As much as I hate to say it, this place shaped who I am as a person, through classes and the people here. I’m not done figuring myself out, and this town was the one place that allowed me to do that. I don’t want to go… but at the same time I hate it here.

On top of that, through changing my character I’ve realized some things about myself. I genuinely do not know what it feels like to be happy. In my eyes happiness is a myth. I truly don’t understand how people don’t feel the way I do on a daily basis. I think happiness is unrealistic, it just doesn’t make sense to me. How can people just feel good almost all the time? How come people don’t have to fake smiles all the time? Why am I like this? What does it feel like to be content with all that is happening around you?

I’m not okay, I don’t think I’ve ever been okay. I’ve been faking my way through life, trying to stay as positive as possible, but that just isn’t working. I need help, I’m just really afraid to ask for it.

Maybe college will be the place where I figure all this out and finally get help for myself. Maybe this change is finally for the best. But all I can think about right now is how miserable I am, and how sad it really is to leave this place.