The Blues

Sometimes I think back on the time when you and I were together still
In that time I truly knew happiness.

It was so nice back then
I didn’t really have any worries in those months
Only school matters bothered me
Everything else was pretty much perfect.

Now you’re nothing but a memory
Constantly showing up at random times
Making me compare every girl I meet to you.

It’s damn near torture.

I just wish I’d have gotten more time with you.

Even though it was just over five months
And even those five months felt like a millennium’s worth of happiness
Those 156 days felt like a single hour
And were over in a second.

I still dream about you.

I think I dream about you more than I dream about anything else.

And when I wake from dreaming about you, it’s as if my heart cries out in both happiness and pain at the same time.

It’s really very difficult to tell myself I’ve gotten over you.
In about a month it’ll be a year since I heard your voice for the last time.

I haven’t seen your face in over a year,
But that’s a lie. I see you almost every day.
Not in pictures. I try to keep myself from stalking too much,
Besides, I don’t need pictures to see you.
Big cliché coming up.

I see your face in most strangers’ faces.
Sometimes I even see your dog.
I watch a German Shep and I see a fucking Golden Retriever,
With the cute little teeth sticking out from the lips
And the happy tail whipping back and forth every time she saw you.

Far too often I’ll think I’ve gotten over you,
Only to make the mistake of thinking about you again.
All those memories.

I think I still remember pretty much every little thing we did together.
If I think about long enough I can surely remember it all.

The way you sat on your chair when we ate. And oh, the cute sounds of joy you’d make while eating. Your singing, your laugh and your way of walking up and down the stairs. Your scent, overpowering even the shampoo after a shower. The way you’d look in my eyes after we kissed. God I miss your lips. Your tongue and your breath on my neck. I miss your hands petting my hair. The way you’d play with my fingers and my arms while you lay on my chest. So cute. I miss your childishness, your music and your voice when you sing your heart out. I even miss the way you cried when you told me about yourself and your past. I loved when you cried at those times - I felt you deeply trusted me, as I trusted you. And I felt that I could make you feel better, as you’d smile and say “I love you” after I kissed your tears away. I miss the feeling of absolute security from laying my head on your chest, how relaxed I was when we were like that.
Being held by you, that feeling can never be recreated.

I know I’ll probably never see you again,
And if I do, you’ll probably pretend not to remember me.

But I hope that you always will remember me in your heart.

Even in twenty years when you’re married with kids and have lots of dogs.

I don’t hope that you'll remember everything you said to me,
Or that you’ll remember what you wrote me in the letter - which I still have - after our first month together,
Or the promises,
Or our confessions of love,
Or our first morning together, after our first night together.

I just wish that you’ll remember me always. Maybe that I could make you happy at that time. If you always remember that, that’ll make me indescribably happy.

Right now it feels like I’ll never forget you. I sure do hope that that is not the case.

Don’t get me wrong - I don’t want to forget you. Not right now, at least.
Even though this is a torturing mix of feelings that I keep in the void you left in my heart, I kinda enjoy it. I think that this is maybe the nugget of love, the essence of being in love. Even though I miss you, even though I miss everything about you, I enjoy missing you like this. It’s bittersweet.

Bittersweet.

Oh is it bittersweet.