Choo-Choo! All Aboard the Nope Train!

Well, it's Father's Day and I feel like a failure. I know I did the best that I couldn't but it doesn't help. I feel like I should have actually tried. If I had known what to do, if I could have seen how bad it was. But no, I was too blind to see it and didn't know what to do. I know now that I can't handle that type of situation. I freak out when I'm supposed to stay calm. But honestly, who doesn't freak out in an emergency situation. Yes, I know there are actually people who can remain calm, but most of us just freak the fuck out in an emergency. If you are one of the ones who can stay calm, kudos to you.

I guess I'm still in the "denial" stage. I keep expecting to wake up in the morning, go down and find my dad asleep on the couch or sitting on the couch, smoking. But I never do. I still wake up to find that I'm still at my mom's and it really did happen. That he really is dead.

And I feel guilty for not trying, for being impatient with him...especially that last night. I didn't even tell him that I loved him when I went upstairs. Yes, I know that he knew that I loved, but it's not the same. I feel guilty for wishing that he had been different, even now, I still find myself wishing it. I feel guilty for not spending more time with him, for not taking pictures with him with the webcam on my laptop, the one he bought for me after my old one died. I'm ashamed to admit that I was embarrassed to. He looked like an addict until he got out of the hospital in February and he really didn't shower. That's another thing I feel guilty about, not understanding how bad his depression was even though he was on medication for it. His cousin posted a picture of him on her Facebook that she had taken while he was visiting her and it broke my heart because it was the nicest I'd seen him look in a long time.

God, it's only midnight and I just want this day to be over with. I don't want to see any "Happy Father's Day" posts because it makes me jealous that other people still have their dad.
June 21st, 2015 at 06:43am