You Don't Need to Worry About Finding a Job

I haven't been on this site in months. How are all of you guys doing? I'm just here to rant. You don't have to read it. I just need to get this off my chest.

"You don't need to worry about finding a job. You won't say anything anyway." Is what a family friend just said to me. Me and my younger brother walked down to the nearby BP for something to drink, even though we didn't have enough money to buy either of anything with. And this family friend sometimes works the night shift. Her and my brother got to talking about jobs when she said that to me. I'm sure she meant it as a joke, but hearing it from my mother and older sister from time to time is really starting to get on my nerve. I hate how just because I'm shy nobody has faith in me finding a job. I know it'll be hard for me. But they could at least try to be supportive.

What happened to all 'you need to overcome your shyness' talk I heard a lot growing up? The 'you can't stay shy all of your life'? Did you just eventually give up on me? I know I can talk to people when I have to... just stop telling me not to worry about finding a job! I don't want my shyness to take over my life, even though I'm pretty sure it already has. I didn't ask to be shy. I was born with it according to my parents. And I really do feel like I'm at the point in my life where I want to just say forget it and get over this myself. I want to do things; travel to places that are not a couple of hours from my home; see the world before it's too late.

Right now the only thing I can think to do with my life is to write. But I haven't written anything in the last five years or so because I have lost all confidence. I have tons of ideas for short stories and one idea for a book. I'm too afraid to write them. I'll outline them but somewhere in the middle of the process I'll somehow convince myself that I don't have the ability to write the story. It's really annoying and frustrating because I still have that need and want to write. It's the only thing I feel I'm good at and I might not even be good at it. Its something I've been interested and doing since I was thirteen.

I also thought about vlogging just to prove to those who think I'm mute that I do have a voice that works. But every time I turn on the camera I've already forgotten what I wanted to say or I'm talking too low that even if the volume was at a hundred percent you still wouldn't catch every word I said. And I'm not really comfortable talking in front of a camera.

I don't know. I just want my family and people to stop telling to not worry about getting a job. I am able to take care of myself. They all know this. And I feel as if time is running out. I'll be thirty in five years and I will have nothing to show for what I've accomplished in my twenties. And now I'm freaking out.

Thanks for reading this if you made it to the end. I feel as if I digressed a lot while writing this. Have a good night/day/whatever it is on your part of the world. I'm going to lay in my bed and watch Dan and Phil and try to take my mind off this.