Rambling...?

So, I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to write. I just... kinda feel like I need to? Like every time I feel upset I feel the urge to write, either to no one or someone.
Sometimes I'm only writing in my head, sometimes I physically write, like now.
I dunno.

Last night I cried myself to sleep. I don't even know if you could call it crying, there were tears, but I was wailing, whimpering, sobbing... and I couldn't stop. I must have done that for an hour, I had an absolutely splitting headache and when I had a slight lull in my crying I felt absolutely exhausted.
And it started from My Chemical Romance... Which is weird.
I know they've broken up. I went and saw Gerard Way play live earlier this year and I even got to meet him! But I just, for some reason last night, all I could think about was the end of MCR. About how I'll never get to meet them as a whole. As the unit that saved my life.

And I was thinking about Mikey Way opening about his descent into depression and alcoholism and it made me so unbelievably sad. Like I know it's sad, but it seemed to get to me personally, even though I've got no experience with alcoholism. I hardly drink because I hate the taste of alcohol.
I thought about how Gerard is nearly forty now. Nearly twice my age and has seen so much that I never will. I don't have the money to go and visit everywhere I want to, and I never will.
That makes me think about all the money problems I'm currently having and I just. I don't know.

I know this is stupid and it's coming out jumbled and stupid but, I need to get it out, I think.
I feel like, I missed out the best part of Mibba, it's hey day, so to speak. If 5-3 years ago I had kept writing with my stories they would have so many more readers and comments and things, but no one wants to read about MCR anymore, or The Academy Is...
I feel like I'm stuck in the past.
All the songs I listen to are from bands finished or getting close to it. Or they've taken a direction which--kudos to them for doing it, if it makes them happy, go for it--but it's not one that tickles my fancy.
MCR ended, TAI... ended, Panic! split, the only one still going is FOB(of my favourites). And I just, I feel like they're not too far off finishing and then, all I'll be left with are memories.
I had always entertained the hope of this just being another hiatus for MCR, but, now I know it's for real, and I don't know how to deal...

This is going to sound completely stupid. Like fucking ridiculous stupid, but I keep thinking about how I was going to move to America so I could see my favourite bands on a more regular basis than once a blue moon if I'm lucky. I mean, there's no point anymore, so, what... what am I supposed to dream about now?
I don't know. I don't know anything.
And then today! I was reading a story and the main chick character tried to kill herself and I started crying again! Like, what the fuck? That's the first time I have ever cried about a story with the character trying to kill herself! I love those stories because I love the gentle put together by the other characters...
/sigh.

I really don't feel like working tonight. I have half a mind to call in sick tbh... If only I didn't need the money so goddamn much...
I've been trying to find another job where I'm not just continuously working nights but... there is absolutely nothing else going at the moment...