So Distant...

I don't know what I did wrong or where I went wrong.. everyone feels so distant right now. All my online friends, even my best friends, act super weird and uncool now. I over-think everything, every fucking thing. I'm an attention whore and I want people to talk to me when I talk to them, I want them to be nice to me when I'm nice to them. All my friends in a Skype group I'm in, they only talk when they need something. All my friends from a certain forum message me when they need something. It's like I don't even have a real friend??? I always try to be nice to everyone but I don't know why everyone eventually just stops talking to me... I don't even do anything. Nobody messages me "hi", it's always me who starts the talking. I didn't think or feel so much before but now it's gotten really irritating. I feel so alone all the time, it's like nobody cares about me while I'm always there for them... it happens always, every damn time. I make a new friend, we talk for sometime, we become amazing friends and then suddenly they stop talking to me or talk like they're being forced to talk to me, as if they don't want to talk but are only talking because they don't want to look like an asshole. I always develop feelings for people very fast, even when I know they're going to hurt me later anyway..

Why is it always me? Why do people leave me? If they have to leave, why do they even start talking to me and make me feel attached to them? I'm an attention whore, I said it before and I'm saying it again. I expect people to talk to me further if they started talking before, I hate being ignored or treated like just another random person, while I think of them as someone very close. I expect people to tell me on my face when I go wrong somewhere or when I say something I'm not supposed to or something that hurts them, because I really don't want to hurt anyone EVER and if you don't tell me, I won't know where I'm going wrong. I had like 2 people online that I trusted a lot and thought they'd be with me for a long time, if not lifetime because they were really nice and talked to me even when they didn't have to, but one of them has already started slipping away.. you're busy? tell me you're busy and mention when you will be free, so I can talk to you when you're free and I don't feel like shit.

I'm really dumb, stupid, whatever you want to call me, okay? I don't know what I'm doing. I have very less confidence and low self-esteem. People underestimate me all the time. I don't know about anything and I think 100x times before saying anything and yet, I end up making the wrong decision.

Nobody really messages me first anymore... except this one guy who I've been talking to since 2 years now and he's my best friend. My other best friend is amazing but *deletes everything he wrote*. I don't want to talk about her, since I don't even know what's up with her. I don't know if she doesn't want to talk to me anymore, or if she's just busy. She's only been replying to my messages lately and she feels very very distant. I don't know if she even likes me or if she ever even liked me... I don't know if anyone ever likes me. It's like a really famous quote - "Alligators eat you directly, but humans pretend to be your friend first." I've been broken so many times before by people who pretend to be something they're not all the time. I just want people to be frank and straightforward with me because I don't understand the otherwise... and since I'm an over-thinker, I start thinking about you all the time and end up with a conclusion that's far away from the actual reason. I bet my best friend doesn't consider me as her best friend. I bet it would be absolutely okay for her if we don't talk anymore..

Not just my internet friends, even my old school friends. I changed my school an year ago and all of my old school best friends (the friends you call bros4life) feel like strangers now. My super duper best friend, the one that I talked to all the time, we haven't even messaged each other on Facebook since a month now (earlier it wasn't an hour when we didn't talk utter bullshit or made fun on someone on the internet or just bestfriend stuff you know).. Things like this make me sad, really sad. I literally cry at things like this, that your best friends that you really love even though you fuck with them all the time, you won't even talk after a few years.. and you will be on different paths, total strangers... it's sad and depressing. I miss my friends, I miss them so fucking much, but they don't. Nobody misses me. I've been a no one all my life. I have 0 talents, I have no future, I don't work hard, I'm super lazy, I'm a bad human being, I'm super ugly, I've never dated anyone and I even sometimes think about giving up.. why is life like this? Why is it that you have to give up on the things you love the most? Why is it that people don't feel the same about you? Why is it that people don't give a fuck to you while you do, even when all the moments you've spent were equally shared between you two?

I want to go away and be alone...

I didn't have anywhere else to write this all at, I didn't have anyone else I could say all this to, since everyone is busy with their own life and none of them actually gives a fuck to me and I don't want to disturb them... I try not to give them a reason to feel forced to talking to me when they're busy.. it's just not the type of person I am, I just expect them to talk..
July 1st, 2015 at 08:00pm