Why Do I Want to Lose Weight?

Among the many excuses people put forth about wanting a better body, mine are sort of the same. I used to look good when I was 21, I think I was about 140lbs which was fine for me. I wasn't some skinny mini and I wasn't a chunky monkey either. But of course as the years went by, a failed relationship, then a marriage, then a failed marriage, you kind of gain some weight. I happened to gain 75lbs. SEVENTY-FIVE pounds in 6 years, give or take. I lost almost 20lbs in a month when my husband left me. We had an argument about him drinking when no one else was and he screamed that it was over. Nice I know, I was actually calm when I asked him to stop. It's been almost two years since being separated and I haven't spoken to him in over a year, I still haven't received any type of divorce decree. He began seeing this little twit of a girl a 16 year old... He was nearly 28 at the time. This little girl is also the one he kept telling me was like a sister to him, someone he babysat when she was little. Gross... Anyway, I still talk to my sister-in-law (his brother's wife) and she's told me my husband plans on getting married in October... Of this year.

Hmm, I thought, now how would he do that when we're still married? It can take months for a divorce to be finalized in Texas. I thought of going to this legal aid place for people who are poor like me, but then I found out his bitch mom whom I despise mentioned that I was supposed to be getting the divorce. I laughed, a crazed laugh and said, fuck it. I'll ride it out, I have been this long, what's a few more months? And if this fool and his teen fiance want to make me out to be the bad guy I suppose I'll give them an actual reason to.

Now back to wanting to lose weight. This is my main reason, I want to look good when I have to enter that room to sign the papers (if that's what he'll do). It would be a uncontested divorce, we had no property together nor children, thank God. But he only lives an hour away, and I sometimes go to a bar that we used to go to, not purposely to see him but they have some pretty sweet pool tables. And why shouldn't I go? I want to be fit and look better than when I first me him. I also just don't like the way I look. So it's not all for HIM, that would just be unhealthy. I don't even date because I hate myself.

For a while I was eating well, almost no sodas, and walking with Lindsay several days a week. But then I just didn't give a shit. I have bipolar disorder and that could be it. You know, manic days. If you don't know what I'm talking about I'll break it down. When I have what my counselor says a high day/s I could have energy and be happy (some people get overly happy almost like ADHD except only so many days or hours) and clean my house, or get a new hobby, or wish to be around people. But the lows are REALLY low I'll sit around and just not care, I don't care to bathe, I don't care to clean. The only thing I do that's productive is feed and water my cats, because, well I love them and don't want to kill them or let them starve! It's just awful. My symptoms last for days not just hours.

So I assume that was what was going on. My mania hit and I was ecstatic to take walks in the park and to eat bunches of veggies and drink water. Though this lasted for up to 3 weeks I think, which is a very long time for my mania. Mine usually only last a couple of days a month then it's all depression. And for those of you who have no idea how I feel, it's not like I can just get up and push myself. I've tried, promise, but then that teenager comes out and I'm aggravated and begin to really dislike everything. So the fact that I've been keeping up with the squat challenge so far (four days) I'm super happy. The sleeping all day and staying up and night though is killing me.

This has become super long, I hadn't intended this blog to be this long.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/parentwin/18-of-the-best-excuses-for-not-being-fitspiration-c8nl#.qmD6LmrVN
July 2nd, 2015 at 09:01am