Still Living in Denial

So tomorrow it will have been three months since I woke up and found my dad dead. And in ten more days it will be what would have been his fifty-fourth birthday. Ugh. Can I just not?

I had a dream one night (read: one morning) that I was talking to him on the phone. Like, I was here at my mom's, but I was also back at his house, watching him talk to me. It was weird. I think he was still supposed to be dead, or something. I digress, anyway, I asked him how he had died and he was trying to tell me, but there was this buzzing noise and I couldn't hear him. I woke up because I could hear people talking outside, because they didn't insulate around the window air conditioning unit, and I didn't want to go back to sleep and have the dream continue.

Anyway, I mentioned the dream to a friend and she told me that the buzzing I heard in the dream was probably because I wasn't ready to know what had happened, how he had died. She's probably right, I'm not ready and I really don't want to know because it won't change anything. He'll still be dead. Anyway, after she had told me that, I scoffed and told her that it was more likely that you can't get reception in Heaven. At least, not in my version of Heaven.

Then I had more dreams about him back to back. In one, I woke up just after he'd been shot and I don't remember what this morning's dream was. My mom's fiance told me I should picture something happy before I go to bed then my mom proceeded to "attack" my musical taste. Well, it wasn't really an attack per say, more like a suggestion that I listen to more "happier" music. And insert eye roll here.
July 3rd, 2015 at 04:51am