I just want to take a moment to cherish my personal growth thus far; sometimes I do not notice how much I have been changing, and when I do, it's beautiful. As I sail my boat towards Womanhood Island, I have found amazing things along the way. Most importantly, I discovered the beauty of being a girl, and that appreciation awoke in me through another girl whom I can already call my sister.
Growing up, I knew I was a girl, but I never identified much with that gender, or any gender for that matter. I never really thought of gender. People were just people. When I came across someone who was homosexual, I wouldn't notice that was what they were, even if they "acted" like it. I always felt more boyish because I grew up around boys and girls had always been mean to me. Then in my teenage years, I had that rebellious attitude where I thought it was cooler to be friends with guys rather than with girls. Turned out I was just leading everyone on because I was nice and didn't want to go out with any of them, which was unfair on both our parts. I quickly learned how confusing those situations can be. Then it really backfired after my best guy friend whom I have known forever wanted to be lovers and it burned our relationship to the ground, for many reasons. Now we don't really talk, although we are cordial when we do see each other. It stings me in the heart every time, because his soul was (is?) the most beautiful... but I have gone on enough rants and written enough poems about that.
During and after that time, and I think this was after my best girl friend moved away to somewhere else, I adopted this strange bitterness toward being a girl. I would see all of these feminist posts on the internet, and I recall a time when I tried to write about what I loved about being a girl, but I could only think of negative aspects, like how girls cannot do things as well as guys such as sports, and how girl conversations are "more lame" than guy conversations, because in general guys seem to be more comfortable talking about nerd stuff and philosophy than girls. I still kind of hold that opinion, but it purely stems from observation and personal experience. I have just always felt more comfortable talking to guys about my depression and existential thoughts. Girls were just for giggling and talking about hot guys.
But these past two years have sparked a gradual change in my attitude. While I got another girl friend after my best friend moved away, I think the trigger for my change can probably be attributed to the discovery of my half sister. It was March of 2014, and my brother dropped the news on me that our half sister had contacted him via Facebook, saying that she had known about us for a couple of years through the website, and had just gotten the courage to speak up. She was visiting California and we met up at a cafe. When she and I hugged for the first time and shared the same giggles, the flowers of my heart immediately blossomed. When we conversed, I quickly realized that she was the most intelligent and beautiful person I had ever talked to. And she and I shared blood! We met a few times after that; she gave me gifts, one being a lacy purple dress that I wear only at special times because it means so much to me. It makes me feel like a fairy, and also like I am with her. A year since we met, my mother found out that my brother, father and I had been keeping it a secret. She went crazy. My parents almost got divorced because of it. It was a very confusing time for me. I felt like I betrayed my mother, but at the same time I felt like she was being selfish because she was saying hurtful things to my sister and she was mad at my dad for having a daughter with another woman so long ago before my parents even knew each other. I contacted my mom's best friend who helped by making my mom feel a bit better, and as I wrestled with how to act in the situation, something made me see it in a simple light. All I could see was her pain, and I knew then that I just had to let her rant to me, get all of her anger out, and I would give her my sympathies and apologies even if I did not agree to them, because my brother and father had been shaming her and not allowing her to just simply be angry. It made me think about how women get put down more for being angry, but it's because we hold more pain and feelings; we are generally a more sensitive sex. I learned how important it is to let someone just be angry for a moment, because emotions are all that we are sometimes, and we are irrational beings.
It took a lot for me to venture that deep into my intuition, into the connection that my mom and I share... to pass through the desire to yell that she was being selfish and unreasonable... but once I found that part of me that could be there for her despite everything else, I felt a strange sense of just... knowing. There is something about digging and digging until you find the root of the situation by relying on your humanly, and in my case womanly, instincts and ancient wisdom. It is comforting to know that there is so much about ourselves we do not know and may never know...
That settled the storm, and despite a big elephant being in the room for a while, things are pretty much back to normal with my immediate family. Unfortunately I have not talked to my sister much since then, because I still have a tugging feeling that I am betraying my mother, but I know the feeling will pass and I will see and talk to her again some day soon. In a perfect world, everyone would forgive and get along with each other...
I started a job at a retail store a few months ago, and I quickly made a new girl friend, and our blossoming friendship has filled my heart with a love more profound than any guy's has ever been. She and I are much like the same person; we both have memory boxes, both do the same poses in pictures, both say the same kind of jokes, both have the same taste in clothes, and so many more things... experiencing these summer nights with her have brought me so much joy. I love to giggle and talk about silly things, and I realize that she too must get sad sometimes and think about the universe... but as girls we are strong and choose to live life with love, laughter, curiosity, and amazement at the world. It's very difficult to describe in words what I feel... but after my past experiences with my sister and mother, I feel I am finally able to appreciate and love being a girl and to sail my boat towards womanhood (I'm 22, but who says we need to grow up just yet? ;) ). Now I dream of flowers and unicorns and fairies and it is wonderful. If I were to write a poem about the joys of being female, it would be incredibly easy for me now.
And yes, I still love men too. I love my boyfriend. But the more important thing is I can love and accept myself now and I can look forward to a future where I can share the world with the masculine and feminine and love it all.
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