Nothing good comes out of reconnecting with your ex. I know this first hand. I'm still friends with my ex on Facebook. Recently we have started talking on a daily basis again. No one knows, expect my brother who can't understand why I'm talking to my ex again.
Let me first start off by saying that when I logged back onto my Facebook account that day a few weeks ago, I had absolutely no intentions of reconnecting with my ex at all. My intention was to finally delete those pictures of us; to finally take that next step away from him and toward the rest of my life. But I noticed I had a few messages. They were from him. I clicked on them to see what he had to say. The messages weren't full of anger and hate or demands of why we broke off the relationship or vulgar names. The messages were like something you'd probably find in one's journal. In fact a few days ago, he did tell me he was using my messages as a journal for himself.
I didn't immediately respond back. I went to do what I had come to do - delete those pictures. But as I looked at those pictures of us and the messages he sent me, I started feeling sentimental about the relationship we had. I remembered nothing but the good times: the laughter, star gazing, late night message chatting, fooling around while walking to the store, standing in the rain. My first mistake was replying to those messages.
At the time I seriously thought about maybe giving him a second chance. My family probably wouldn't have forgiven me if I had. He really was the only partner I had that never left me after a few days. He actually gave me a chance. He allowed me to get comfortable around him and open up at my own pace. And I am eternally grateful to him because of this.
But what made me realize this was a mistake occurred about three days ago. He called me on Facebook for the first time. Not going to lie, I was kind of excited/nervous. I don't like talking on the phone. It's just awkward for me. He knows this, so he did all of the talking and didn't expect me to respond.
I should probably mention first that he had started an anti-bullying group on Facebook. He wanted to help victims of bullying or something. He made me an admin for the group. He didn't ask if I wanted to take on the job of being an admin. I don't know what to do. I've never been in that position before. And I don't know how I could help anyone. But I just shrugged it off and said whatever. There were like three or four other admins for this group, including my ex, who could be of more help to someone. Every night he put all the admins in a group private chat to talk and go over some things. I didn't participate in the group chat because I didn't know anyone. I was on the sidelines watching everyone interacting, reading what everyone was saying. One night during a group chat I noticed one of the admins had said he wanted to individually private message all of the other admins so he could get to know them. Not going to lie. I was a bit nervous to receive this guy's private message. I also didn't mind and kind of wanted to talk to him. But my ex quickly intervened.
So about halfway through the Facebook call, my ex casually mentions he had a private chat with two of his friends about me. One of the two friends happened to be the guy who wanted to private message the admins. I don't know what gave him the right to do this. He never asked me if it was alright. He never took into consideration for how it would make me feel. He told them - two people I don't know and have never spoken to before - about what I went through during my school years. You may think I'm being irrational. You could be sitting there behind your computer rolling your eyes and thinking: most people had sucky school experiences, too, Rayner. And you're right. I'm not the only one who had a horrible school experience. Most people's school experiences was ruined by bullies. You could say the same for me, expect it was different. Or at least that's how I feel. But until you know my story, you can't brush it off and assume my experience wasn't that bad and I'm not allowed to be angry about this. You can't assume what I went through was nothing.
I understand his intentions. He didn't want whatever his friend said to me to trigger any memories. But that wasn't his right. He didn't live it. He didn't experience it for years. He doesn't know the anxiety I had felt during those years. He only knew what my mother told him about my school years. He never once in the time I have known him ever asked me about it. I know what went on in those classrooms. My mom knows what went on behind the scenes. And that's about as much as my ex knows. Now these two guys know about it. And I am freaking angry. I should be the one to tell people. And I am not ready to divulge my school experience to strangers. How many other people has my ex told?
I want him to ask first instead of just assuming it would be alright. Because this is the real reason I've been absent on Facebook all week, not because I was busy. I should sever all connect with him again. But I can't leave him a second time, especially not now because I told him I would always be there for him. I can't hurt him like that. I don't want to be that person who returns after three years only to leave again after a few weeks. But he's made me realize more than once why I ended that relationship with him in the first place. It was truly a huge mistake to even reconnect with him.
He was being a good friend before this. He was there when I lost nine of my kittens. He was there when one of my female cats got bit by a spider and I thought she wasn't going to make it. He was there when I felt down about life, not knowing what I wanted to do with it. And in turn I was there for him. I was there when he was in hospital about to have surgery because of his heart. He says I'm the one that caused his heart problems because I'm the one who ended the relationship. But I think he had those heart problems before that. I don't know. I don't want that on my mind, making me feel guilty. He did a lot of that when we were together. He also bounced story ideas with me. He really did help with some of my stories, especially the book that I'm still outlining.
I just wish he would have thought about how that would make me feel. I kind of just hate him right now. If he ever comes across this, all I have to say is: I'm sorry, but you really ought to have asked first. Don't assume I'd be fine with it.
That's really all I have to say. Thanks if you read all of this.
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