The Soundtrack of My Life- Part 1- I Write Sins Not Tragedies

I have commitment issues with my writing, I start a story, everyone that I let read it loves it, I make more progress and then I erase and start over. I think it's mostly because I'm a coward, writing is my escape, my reprieve, my haven, so the thought of sending something to get considered for publication and then getting an email back that says "Hey your shit sucks" Or even worse "We have received several good entries...yada yada," a whole bunch of bullshit niceties that all add up to "Hey your shit sucks."

So Hopefully this helps with that.....Now you're probably thinking I hate myself, or that I have self-esteem issues, totally not the case, at least not anymore....but we'll touch back on that later. I actually love myself.

Man that feels good to say, I always try and pretend like "Oh no you're too kind, I'm not that great." Because if I were to just say "Hey I love myself!" some tart would get offended and say I was stuck up or conceited. Now, you don't know me, but if you did that previous sentence would show you just how much I've grown as a human, I use to have this 'Fuck who gets offended, fuck what you think, Imma do me' attitude and although that's still there, I've learned that to be a grown up, sometimes you need to at least try to care about how your actions affect others.

For example, I had a friend once say, "Hey I need you to be honest with me..." OKAY PAUSE.....

What does that sound like to you? Because to me it sounds like, "Be real with me, be blunt, be brutally honest, I need a true friend." but NOOOO apparently in Girl-speak, a tongue that I am just now, at age 21, beginning to master, it means "Tell me what I want to hear, but try and sound sincere so I feel better about how badly I'm fucking up my life."

OKAY CONTINUE..."Hey I need you to be honest with me, Kevin (not actual name) is talking to me about maybe moving in together after we graduate, what do you think?"

In my head 'I have been waiting for this moment for so long you have no idea how hard it's been to keep my mouth shut about what an idiot you're being, but you hadn't asked me for my opinion so I was keeping my trap shut.' ....except unlike most people exactly what went through my head went out of my mouth, and then some more, "Why would you want to even consider that? He's so controlling, he makes you cry constantly, he makes fun of the way you dress, he's cheated on you multiple times, one time including your cousin, and you don't even love him! You're settling."

So she starts bawling her eyes out and says that I need to be a more supportive friend.....don't get me wrong I'm all about supporting my friends, I tell all my girls how beautiful and smart they are and how I can't wait for them to accomplish their goals, I'm that friend that stays there when your whole life is changing because you want to go after your dreams, but I am NOT the friend that stands by as you remain in an abusive, non-constructive relationship with a dipstick who's only ever going to make minimum wage.

Needless to say that we are no longer friends and she is now a divorcee with an adorable 2 year old at age 24.

Anyway, I digress, we were talking about my flaws and my writing, well my flaws are too many so you'll learn them as you go, and my writing....ehhhh well lets see...

I started writing when I was twelve, I still suck at grammar so feel free to correct me. I'd read every book in my school library, so I had to come up with my own stories while waiting for my librarian to order more books for me. Now the reason I liked literature so much is a little darker, as aforementioned (mentioned before), I used writing as my escape but reading had that position first.

Escape from what? Well let's see my father abandoned me as an infant because I was not the boy his Mexican macho-ness had wanted, I was sexually abused as a child by several family members, and then later in life and through my teens I was both emotionally and physically abused by my remaining parent and stepfather, but in the books there were dragons, and heroines with no need for parents, or men, or love. There were also those books written about characters who'd experienced some of the same grievances I had, and so I put my self in their stories and I shared with those characters in the glory as they overcame adversity and continued to be strong human beings.

Who am I now? Well now I'm married to a super hot, smart, loving man, and I have the most adorable step son, I'm in the process of graduating college so I can go to medical school and accomplish my dream of becoming a surgeon. Oh man, when I tell you the story of how I met my hubby you won't. believe it....anyways I'm tired of writing I'm going to play some Hearthstone now......

OH! The song I chose for this chapter/section or whatever, is by Panic! At the Disco I Write Sins Not Tragedies....why? because I like PATD!

Alright Catniss, my cat, is fixing to claw my face off if I don't start paying her attention! Soooo welcome to the Soundtrack of My Life!

NAMASTE!!!