So, I'm sorry that it's all I ever talk about.
Not that I'm here often.
Not that many people care, unless the right people happen to be online scrolling through blogs -- people who remember me from way back when on the old Mibba.
Anyway, I'm in the process of looking for a new psychiatrist, and it's nerve-wracking as shit. I thought I was okay with my last one, but she had been making me increasingly uncomfortable. She did way more talk therapy than I needed, and then didn't even seem to care about my thoughts. It seemed as though she only wanted me to say what she expected of me, and would never let me come to my own conclusions. On top of that, she made really inappropriate comments. Like, when she learned that I'm into politics, she said, "Really? Wow, I thought you were an idiot." I couldn't even tell if she was joking or not, because she didn't say anything like, "Just kidding."
Look, I only want two things from a pdoc right now: medication management, and a psychiatric evaluation. This last pdoc was not sufficient in either of these areas.
After I recently expressed to her that I'm starting to feel worse and suggested that I want to try increasing some doses, she told me that I'm not "actually" depressed right now, and that all I need to do is overcome my "ambivalence" by doing things I enjoy. Well, too bad I feel so low that I can't even scrape together the energy or enthusiasm to do any of that. Isn't that the point of medication? To help me function better so that I can get enjoyment out of life? She then told me that, the next time we see each other, she wanted to start taking me off some of my meds. Like, literally a few weeks ago, we stopped one of my medications, and my stability just plummeted. Kind of a sign that maybe I'm not ready for that, don't ya think?
As for the eval part, she refuses to actually assess me for a diagnosis. I told her that when I was discharged from the hospital, one of the things under my diagnoses was "r/o borderline personality disorder". "R/o" essentially means "hey, this person might have this thing, so it should be looked into further". So, like. Hey! I could really use a doctor to help me, y'know, actually look into it further.
I mean, she agreed, "Yeah, you're probably borderline."
But still wouldn't agree to do an actual evaluation.
Even though she's been going back and forth this whole time, like, "Maybe it's bipolar, maybe it's borderline, maybe it's both." "I don't think you're bipolar." "Maybe there actually is some personality disorder stuff going on, here." "But maybe you really are bipolar."
LADY, IF YOU AREN'T SURE WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME, MAYBE JUST ASSESS ME.
Like, I've had my bipolar diagnosis for four years now, and it was just reaffirmed earlier this year. Get off that thought and help me work through this BPD thing, please.
So, like, I'm done. I don't need ANOTHER doctor invalidating me.
Only problem is! It's fucking hard finding a different pdoc!
50% of them don't call back and 40% of them aren't taking new patients. There is about a 10% sliver of me actually finding a doctor.
Then! Get this! One doctor actually called back and wanted to do a phone interview with me, so I told her everything that I was looking for. I told her that I wanted medication management and help with a diagnosis. She asked, "What do you mean by that?" I told her about the r/o BPD bit and how I wanted a doctor to further assess me, and at that point she just completely shut me down. She said that she was "too busy" for new patients, and that was that. We said our goodbyes and she hung up.
I can tell you right now, that was a flat-out lie.
I'll bet you anything she's one of those doctors who refuses to take borderline patients because we're "too difficult".
She didn't wanna fucking deal with me, so she threw me away.
God, I don't wanna go back to that list of psychiatrists... I feel nothing but dread thinking about it.
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