Staying Strong.

Hey Guys, I hope you're all doing well.
I want to take some time to talk about myself for a little bit. I wouldn't be surprised if any of you didn't know this, I've hardly told anyone aside from my Tumblr audience, but these last few years have been a struggle.
I went through the terrible experience of watching my own mother be diagnosed with a violent form of Cancer (Leiomyosarcoma Cancer is a form of tissue cancer that doesn't respond to Chemotheraphy and the tumours usually show up in spots that are IMPOSSIBLE to operate, My mom had 3 tumours: one in her hip socket, one in between two spinal disks and the third was in the main passage of her lungs.), and then in the span of a year watch her fade and eventually pass away from the disease. This is by far the hardest experience I've ever had to live through in all my 24 years. This has changed how my outlook is on life.
On top of this, I was diagnosed with depression, and found out that my anxiety disorder had gotten worse. As a result, I became so cut off from society that I actually wouldn't talk to even my family (who I currently live with) for days on end. I lost a fair chunk of my friends in this time, most were frustrated because I would never want to hand out, the rest just didn't understand that this is something that can happen when you experience a loss. I was out of school for a year because of this, and once I went back to school I had the hardest time meeting and talking to people. (I still to this day am having trouble)
And then there's my horse, my sun earth and moon, she's my whole universe. I continued to show with Raja after mom had passed, it was the only thing that kept me sane, but the following summer I had a bad fall that resulted in sever nerve damage to my left arm. I have minimal feelings in the arm now as a result, the worst of all, it's permanent damage now. While I was unable to ride I had another girl leasing and competing with my horse, they were doing very well together for the time she road her. Until my horse was involved in an trailer accident (I won't go into the too into the details. A car lost control on the highway and hit the truck towing the trailer, our awesome driver managed to prevent the trailer from going into the ditch and rolling, breaking his finger in the process, and thanks to this wonderful man ALL 10 horses on the trailer were ALL OKAY to compete that weekend). Raja however has always been a horse to get mentally rattled, my trainer knows this, I know this, and we informed the rider of this as well since it was her first big show in a long time. Raja didn't perform. My trainer didn't get on the horse to school her for the rider when the rider couldn't get her going. No more experienced rider was put on her. My horse was never worked through the situation like I had trained her in the past, she never got over the problem so the problem was never solved. Long story short, the leaser bailed on me because the horse wouldn't compete because they didn't follow the simple program I had laid out for the Horse. The trainer refused to rider the horse (having broken her shoulder the year before and knows my horse can get ANYONE off is she wants to) so I was forced back to riding 4 months before I was to be reexamined to start light weight work (1 year after accident. This is the sole reason I have permanent damage now. I wasn't even cleared to ride by a doctor but had to anyways since no one else was brave enough to ride my horse.) One thing about Raja, she's the greatest rehab horse I could ever ask for. She's so light on her mouth that she wouldn't ever aggravate my arm when I was on her, its the process of tacking and untacking (especially the saddle) that would hurt me.
Hell, Raja was so good when I got her back I even tried jumping her (also to keep her going because I had people trying her for leases for the few months before I went back to school). At first we started out small (2'3-2'9) but Raja grew bored quick. In one lesson we had to raise the fences to 3'3-3'6 because she was over jumping everything so much. (I only ever showed this horse up to 3'3 because she was so unpredictable, so I was freaking out for this course) This horse is perfect, she's was laying down 90+ rounds in the hunter ring EVERY TIME someone tried her, but no one stepped up to ride her. With school as a commitment, I didn't have time to ride my amazing horse, so I had to put her in the field. Come this summer, I'm still not 100% to ride full time. I can ride a horse for a couple days but thats it. One of the girls I show with was more than welcoming in allowing both Raja and I move to her family's private barn, and even offered me occasional rides on her 1.20m jumper. Raja is not frolicking in the field trying to get pregnant so I can have the time off to heal properly, and I ride Ashlee's amazing gelding whenever she's away on vacation.
Since moving to my new barn I have zero stress. I don't have a trainer breathing down my neck to 'get better faster', or people telling me how I should just sell my horse if I can't ride her. I also don't have people bad talking my horse because 'she's being difficult'. I get calls from the girls at the new barn just to tell me how much they adore my horse and cute things she's been doing. I can tell Raja even likes it out there too. She used to be such a bitch in her pen, never really making friends because she would hog the round bail and lash out at any horse that tried to eat with her. Now she gallops in the field with Sprite and they cry if you try to separate them for vet trips.
I've been working on some ground work with Raj, since when she was temporarily (I was kicked out of the old barn because I wasn't fitting in with their show program and my horse was 'wasting a stall' when she was actually in a live-outside pen.) in the field at the old barn (From October 2014-March 2015) she wasn't allowed to leave the pen with the exception of Vet and farrier visits because it 'upsets the herd'. From this lack of handling, Raja became difficult and I had to retrain her how to walk on a line among other ground manners. Earlier this month I started with some arena work, and she took to it like she never left the arena. I have started out with free lunging, and she lunges like she's never had this year off. I'm so happy with my horse right now, that I've forgotten about all my other problems in my life. My depression is disappearing, and my social anxiety is actually improving again. After being so low for the last 3 years, I'm actually feeling things turn around and start looking up.
I just want you all to know I'm recovering. I started writing again. So look forward to some new stories. I'm going to do my very best to finish the stories I've had on hiatus for the last few years. I also want to thank and apologize for disappearing for so long.

xoxo - Patti-Leigh
July 27th, 2015 at 06:52pm