Weight Gain.

I have been trying to cope with my weight gain for a little over a year now.

Ever since I moved back in with my grandma, I have been putting on more and more weight. I just weighed myself and I have gained ten pounds in just the last month. Over the past year, I have gained over fifty pounds. And it is absolutely butchering my self-esteem. I have stretch marks everywhere, I have been picking at my skin because of anxiety and discomfort with my own reflection, I just have not been able to deal with all of this. It constantly makes me feel like shit. There's also the little fact that my acne has gotten completely out of control. It has never been this bad before.

And then I was watching Pretty Little Liars, and I saw Aria wearing a loose t-shirt that totally looks like something I would wear. If I could still fit in it. I can't fit into any of my clothes. And I just bought new jeans, but they already are starting to feel tight. I don't know what is happening, and it's seriously freaking me out so bad. I'm not saying that I was hot stuff before (I certainly wasn't), but at least I didn't want to gauge my eyes out whenever I took a look in a mirror. I don't even leave the house anymore, except to go to school and for required family events.

I don't want to go back into bad habits, but I feel so trapped right now. I know that it's living with my grandma that is making things worse. When I was living away from home I actually lost weight, mostly because I was always running around getting shit done. But now that I have moved back in I have become somewhat lazy and I have been forced to eat my grandma's food (which she makes too much of and forces others to eat, lucky me since I am the only other person living here). And then my grandma has the audacity to constantly pick on my weight. As if I didn't already feel like utter crap.

I just hate myself so much right now and I don't know what to do. Because I am definitely not enjoying life and I question everything and I am just so depressed because of everything, a big part of everything just being my weight. I'm not even close to ever being happy with myself.