I'm Crazy, Mane!

My anxiety is off the charts. And my anxiety does not translate into simply some kind of nervousness or shyness. My anxiety either translates into suicidal depression or completely psychotic rage. The latter is what happened today. I completely lost it, and this happens probably between once a week and once a month. I just get so violently angry that I literally want to fight someone or something stupid like that. I feel like that's very unfeminine, which I don't care about at all, but still I admire how other women can just break down crying when they're mad instead of just acting totally crazy like I do. So I kind of try to make myself do that?? So I tried crying and it didn't work at first, then I really did finally start to cry for a while.

And like I said, most of what's behind the anger is anxiety. The fear of, in the end, my life changing for the worse because of some trivial thing that's gone wrong. But there's another element to it as well. An anger towards life and the world in general. I'm really pissed that I exist. I hate our world. I don't even feel the need to really explain it or even question it because I feel that I understand it now, it's not questionable, I literally hate the world. That's all there is to it. I'm disappointed in what life is right now on our planet. What it's been reduced to.

ANYWAY, I get so pissed when small things go wrong because I feel like it's so stupid that I even have to worry about it because I don't even want to be doing it in the first place. What I'm talking about mainly is school and grades. I'm in community college, and I want to transfer to a university. I'm pretty much a perfectionist when it comes to my grades. I want a cumulative 4.0 GPA. I put a lot of effort into my work, and I'm very intelligent. If I'm being honest, I already know a lot of the things that we learn in my classes so it's usually very easy for me. But I don't rely on that - I work hard as well. I never miss classes. I'm very dedicated. So when I get bad grades for stupid fucking things, and the hard work I put into classes does not reflect in my grades, I get very pissed. I don't think my cumulative GPA should be affected by a teacher's faulty grading system. You can say it doesn't matter so much but do you think William and Mary is more likely to accept someone with a 4.0 or a 3.4 or whatever? Yeah, so if I deserve an A, I'm going to be very pissed if I don't get one. I know I sound like a complete tight ass right now but it's not that. I'm just so intense about everything. If I don't put effort into something, I don't give a shit whether I do well or not. But if I put in the work and I'm good at something, I think I deserve to be recognized for that.

The fact that I'm not a tight ass is exactly why it pisses me off. It's because I don't want to even be in college. I love learning and I actually really like college because the classes are very informative, however I don't want my life to depend on it. I don't know what kind of career I'm going to be satisfied with. I don't think humans should have to have careers. I don't think it's actually important to any of us. It's just something we've been forced to associate with happiness - colleges and careers. Because supposedly, if you don't go to college and therefore don't have a career, you will end up poor which is obviously associated with misery. But that's not naturally how the mind works.

Happiness is not money. Materialism is not money. I know it's cliche as fuck to say that, but that's because people won't listen to it so people still have to keep talking about it. Capitalism is bullshite. Really think about it, how money supposedly makes you happy. The sad part is that it's mostly poor people who think that. Obviously, wealthy people know that it doesn't make you happy because most of them are not happy. But poor people blame their sadness on their poverty because that's what they're told, when that's not really what it is. Happiness cannot be bought through material things or gained through status. Contentment is a state of mind. Happiness is a state brought on through love and experiences and humor and music and family and creativity and children and whatever else makes you feel alive and makes you feel happy that human beings exist on planet earth. Yet people really seem to think that they will achieve happiness by attaining some kind of expensive object (most phones or computers or w/e), or by looking a certain way, or having a certain job, or what the fuck ever. People are so warped and brainwashed by commercialism and superficiality that it is extremely difficult to truly relate and connect with people. I feel like I'm surrounded by a bunch of hypnotized zombies who refuse to face the music - that our world is shit. You've got to accept it before you change it.

Anyway - BYE!