Angry.

I’m perpetually frustrated by the constant battle between:

1. Saying how I feel, speaking my mind, standing up for myself and others, and feeling like a person I can respect, but with the potential risk of having panic attacks,

and

2. Keeping my mouth shut to avoid conflict and anxiety, but feel progressively more uncomfortable with the kinds of things my family says and hate myself for being too big a coward to say anything.

Maybe I’m overreacting.

But it’s just weird to me how one day my mother can tell me how proud she is of me because all of my opinions, when I state them, are well-researched and eloquent, and the next day post shit that completely ridicules me and my beliefs. I’m not talking a factual argument. I’m talking about, for example, the post she shared on Facebook yesterday basically saying that if a man doesn’t like guns he must be gay and apparently that’s supposed to be funny.

And my whole family will agree with her. And if I leave a comment simply saying, “Hey, this is actually really insulting and this is why, and I’m kind of disappointed that you posted/shared this photo/text/post in general,” I’ll get at least two other relatives—usually either my brother, my dad, or my uncle, but sometimes other more distant relatives as well—telling me not that my facts are wrong (because they aren’t) but that I’m wrong to be upset.

“It’s just a joke.”
“Lighten up.”
“Don’t be so sensitive.”

Or, my favorite, “You don’t have all the facts.” Again, mind you, not that my facts are wrong, but that even though I have facts laid out in front of me, I still somehow can’t possibly know what I’m talking about if I’m disagreeing with them.

So either I’m wrong for having an emotional response, or I simply don’t know anything. Every time. Even if someone else is being blatantly insulting or name-calling, if I call them on it I get the same response. Such as my brother last night literally defending that post by literally saying that anyone who doesn’t like guns is an idiot and a coward and a crybaby who shouldn’t be allowed to participate in adult life.

Basically what that tells me is that when my family praises the way I talk about my opinions, what they’re really saying is, “That was very well-spoken and made you sound very smart, but I don’t think you know what you’re talking about and your perspective really isn’t that important to me so I’m going to keep saying the same shit whether it hurts you (or anyone else) or not.”

And if I say anything about that, then I’ll be told I’m being too sensitive again, or I’ll be told that I shouldn’t state my opinion if I’m not prepared to defend it. (Which is totally a legit thing to say to someone, it’s just that it doesn’t matter what I say to defend it—I’m either overly sensitive or don’t know what I’m talking about, no matter what facts and resources I use.)

I’m getting so close to just deleting my entire family from Facebook. It breaks my heart, because my mom used to be someone I could go to about ANYTHING and never be afraid of being judged or ridiculed. The last year or so I just don’t feel that way anymore. I don’t feel respected by anyone in my immediate family.

And there’s always a “reason” for it. For a long time, it was because I was young. “When you’re an adult and you’re in the real world and paying taxes and struggling like the rest of us, then you’ll understand.” But then I got out into the real world, and paid taxes (even though technically I’ve been doing that since three days after I turned 16), and struggled, and now instead I hear stuff like “Well we were in the military so we have a different perspective.”

No matter what I do, they will always find some perceived deficit in my experience that they can use to write off my opinions and beliefs as invalid.

So now the question is, do I stop giving a fuck about who will say what, just start posting my opinions unabashedly, and risk the panic attacks of being ganged up on by people who claim to care about me, hoping eventually to just stop giving a shit about those people even though they matter so much to me? Or do I just try to stop giving a fuck about the things I care about so that I won’t feel so hurt when my beliefs and values are blatantly insulted—again, by people who claim to care about me (and know how I feel about these issues)?

Normally I try really hard not to publicly talk about my issues with my family because I don’t want people to judge them. They are, overall, good people. I think. Regardless, I love them a lot. But at this point I don’t feel remotely comfortable talking to them about anything that matters to me, and that’s not supposed to be how you feel about people you love or who love you.

**

I don't know if anyone's noticed my absence, but regardless, sorry for my absence. I've had a lot of shit going on.