Waiting for Better Days

Although I'm sure not many will read this, I needed to get this off of my chest.

It seems as though my entire life has been struggle and strife, struggles far greater than I think the average norm goes through. I can only think, what could I have possibly done in my current life, and/or past life that would lead me to this?

It all started when I was in elementary school. I was a victim of bullying. It was terrible bullying, too, and it seemed as though everyone picked on me alone. Why? Because I'm artistically peculiar? In middle school, the bullying only worsened. There were days that I would just cry, trying to figure out what was wrong with me.

I am convinced that I'm ADHD and it makes it hard for me to focus. I was constantly getting in trouble at school, and with my parents. I would forget things a lot, or find it difficult to complete tasks I didn't want to complete. This caused me stress in my life.

In high school my grades were shit up until my senior year. This was mostly to blame on my ADHD. I also got bad news about my friend having difficulties with her personal life. I prefer not to disclose this, but it broke my heart. I consider her my best friend. My sister. I didn’t like knowing that she was hurting, and that I was helpless to the situation.

I had a crush on a boy that I wrote a long letter to, and dedicated numerous poems to. I sent him a shorter letter. He read it, never replied. I never talked to him again. He ended up dating a friend of mine. She wasn’t a close friend so she didn’t like that I liked him, but it still slightly broke my heart.

Once I was a senior in high school. I wanted to go to Temple University to study graphic design. I got into the school, but I didn’t get a scholarship. I fought with my parents to allow me to go. I even considered taking on Pennsylvania residency after a year, while working, and then attending school so the cost would be lower. They refused. So instead I applied to North Carolina Central University (NCCU), and Wake Tech Community College. I got into both, but my cousin talked me into going to NCCU, so that’s where I went.

I also felt that I was too fat because I was 50 pounds overweight. I decided to calorie restrict. I lost 40 pounds only to gain it all back plus more. Now I’m 230 pound or 80 pounds overweight. I hate it.

During my first year of my freshman year in college, I was commuting from my parent’s house. It was a little stressful, but it got even more stressful the next semester. I hung out more with my present boyfriend (who wasn’t my boyfriend at the time) and it seemed that I never had enough time to do anything. I was also starving myself by eating 1000-1200 calories a day, which took a toll on my mental health. So I decided to move out of my parent’s house because I didn’t like the commuting and the mental strain.

Upon moving out, I lived in a shared nine bedroom boarding house style home, and fought nights of hunger pangs (because I didn’t have a job and only had a 75 meal, meal plan) and loneliness. I managed to rack up on $250 worth of parking tickets. I wanted my present boyfriend (a friend with benefits then) to live with me, but the landlord only allowed single occupancy. I hated it. So I moved the next semester. But I struggled with weight gain, stress, loneliness, hunger, and poverty.

The next semester I took on a one year lease at a place I’m still living at. I moved in with “friends” who I no longer like anymore. One of them had issues that I couldn’t stand, so we became enemies. It started to take a mental toll on me.

We had an immense amount of fruit flies because I wasn’t smart and I forgot to wash the fruit I bought on the first day of moving in. They multiply worse than rats, and roaches combined. They are near impossible to rid of. They were still here now.

I finally got a job, but I began to have car problems. My steering in my car quit on me while going to a job one day. Once that happened, I was without a car for about four months. Because of that, I couldn’t pay my rent because I couldn’t work and I had to ask my dad to help. Then I got another car that I could use for work. I was elated about this. I made a decent amount of money working and the car was really good on long distance and gas.

One day when I was heading to work, there was a chair in the road on the highway. I could have hit it because it wasn’t that strong, but I didn’t have enough time to make good judgement. It happened suddenly. So I swerved trying to avoid the chair, which busted my wheels. The car went out of control, and the next thing I know, I hit the cement medium. I totaled my car. I knew my car was totaled before the report, so I cried like a baby. I cried because I had just gotten the car, and totaled it. I loved that car.

I hated college and I voiced my decision to go to school part time to my parents. They refuted and told me that they would only help me if I went to school full time. So I opted out of it and I was without a car again. I couldn’t work and couldn’t pay rent. I had to ask for help. My dad helped because he would have to pay anyway because he is my guarantor for the apartment. Soon they decided to help me again after a good talk about it.

I also lost my friends. One of the friends was supposed to take over my lease because I renewed my lease not understanding what that meant, and I knew I couldn’t afford living here another year. But we stopped being friends because she was living with me for a short period of time, and one day when she came back to the dirty apartment, she blamed it all on me (because for some reason, people love blaming everything on me) and was upset about it. I told her that it wasn’t all my mess, because it wasn’t, but she was too self-righteous to admit it. She cleaned the place, left, and decided that she wasn’t going to be my friend anymore. It was a very idiotic way to end a friendship.

Then I lost another friend because I said she was a snake bitch and mean. Both were true, but I later apologized for calling her a snake bitch, but she doesn’t forgive me (although she forgave my friend who she doesn’t even really like). I forgive both of the, though.

I posted an ad on craigslist about the place I’m living at in hopes to find someone to sublease because I can’t afford to stay here another year. Many people responded (including scammers) but most of them bailed or couldn’t move in because of the rules this community has. Then one girl contacted me who seemed like she would move in. We even set a date to meet. We were supposed to meet today (August 3, 2015) but she bailed on me. Left me hanging without a word. And I cried, because I thought of all these bad things that have been happening in my life.

All these unfortunate events that have been taking place in my life are disappointing and very disheartening. There have been good things, but the bad things far outweigh the good. I am very close (if not already) to slipping into depression. The only thing good in my life is my family, my small amount of friends, and my boyfriend. Everything else is shit. I am very sad. Some say that things get worse before they get better, but it seems that there was never room for my life to get worse. It seemed as though it started out bad. Even at birth I had jaundice. I’ve lost good friends. I’ve had friends have terrible things happen to them. I’ve had bad things happen to me. I’ve cried so many times alone because of life long sadness. I don’t know what to do at this point. I don’t even like my physical condition. I’m 80 pounds overweight; my hair has breakage and is much shorter than it should be; I’m very out of shape; I don’t sleep comfortably; I have a ganglion cyst on my wrist that refuses to go away, and the list is destined to go on.

I’m just waiting for the light of the day, which may never come.