About Growing Up

Hey everyone! It's been a while since I made a personal blog. I don't know. I've been busy. I've been uninteresting. I mean, not that I'm interesting now, but I'm going to write anyway.

I move in for college later today (it's after midnight so :/ ). And honestly, it's really hard to believe. Not to sound pompous, but it's not because of my academics, which have always been pretty good. It's hard for me to believe because I never saw myself having a future. I never saw myself turning 18, which happens next week. I never saw a life for myself beyond high school.

I felt similarly at graduation, because I had never planned to graduate high school. Frankly, I expected to be long dead by the time my senior year would've hit.

But here I am.

I am going to college. I am turning 18. And it should feel fantastic, right? But it doesn't.

I mean, part of it definitely does. Part of me is so freaking excited that I made it this far in my life. Part of me is really proud of myself for never succeeding in killing myself. Part of me is so incredibly happy that I proved them wrong - that I've proved that I deserve a life.

But I feel really lost all at the same time. I didn't make any plans because I didn't feel like I deserved a life. I had no future to plan for, and now that future is upon me and I don't quite know what I want to do with it at all. I'm going to college, and I'm not sure that I want to, at least for the major that I'm taking classes in.

I wanted to feel proud. I wanted to feel like I had made myself something better than I ever imagined I could be, but I'm not. I still struggle a lot with my depression, but more so my anxiety, and that makes me feel weak. There are still a lot of days where I feel like I don't deserve my own life, and that's really hard. That's really damn hard to live with.

Alas, I'm living with it. And I'm working to make it better, and I have a chance. I have a real chance at a life, and even though I don't quite know what I'm doing, I'm going to make it count, because I worked for this. I worked for this, and I earned it.

Don't ever let someone make you feel like you don't deserve to be alive. And if by unfortunate circumstance you do feel that way, know that you can get past it. Know that you are important in your own right. Know that you can do anything with your life. Know that you are not worthless.

All my love (and until next time!)
xoxo
Laura Grace