So this past year I've rarely been active on Mibba. I will sign on and check subscriptions and a few things but have basically been absent from this place. For those of you who don't know, my old username was xMandiblesx.
I have been absent because of my grandma's terminal cancer diagnosis back in December of last year. They gave her nine months to live so I've spent a great deal of my time with her. I put my life completely on hold. I stopped walking. I stopped writing basically. All I have been doing is stressing, being depressed cause of her impending death in the future, working at my job and spending time with my grandma and my husband.
Things took a turn for the worse for me within the last three months. My husband has been having trouble finding and keeping a job which is tough since his income was a lot more than mine and paid most of our bills. Luckily God has blessed him with a good job now, I just still worry. Financial problems with eat you a live, let me tell you.
My great grandmother passed about 3 months ago. That was tough on me and my family. My dad has been pushing a divorce on my mom because he's the biggest asshole in the world. Long story there but basically he made mine and my mom's life hell for 30 years. But he picked the perfect time for that shit since mom is caring for my grandma 24/7.
Then a major thing happened about a month ago. My grandpa passed away. Nursing home negligence was involved majorly. That's a lot story as well but injustice was definitely done. I do miss him but now he is not suffering and not having to spend his days in a nursing home. That's no kind of life.
My grandma with the cancer who we live with then took a turn for the worst because her hip/pelvic tumor is progressing and caused her so much pain that she couldn't walk or stand anymore. So hospice had to come and they gave her a hospital bed. She's set up in the living room here so we can all spend time and care for her round the clock. She has a catheter which makes that easier on my mom at least. The biggest thing we battle with is being sure granny doesn't get bed sores. Plus it's a struggle to get her to eat anything much. In final stages of cancer, hunger usually fades. Still, she loves things like ice cream with caramel on top and she drinks her nutritional shakes. She can't hardly eat anything too acidic like fruit or drink juice now cause it burns her insides. She did have radiation back in the beginning which has prolonged her life some but she chose not to do chemo.
Her cancer is terminal, couldn't be cured so she didn't want to spend her last months sick all the time from chemotherapy. All this has been so hard for me emotionally. There were months I just stayed depressed. Like to the point I didn't talk to many people or go anywhere besides work and the grocery store for food. I know some people don't believe in God or don't have a lot of faith. I've always believed there is something out there but after all this, I don't question that God is real anymore. My faith is the strongest it's ever been. I know it's weird for me to say that because one could sit around and say, "If there was a God, why would he make a great, loving, Christian woman like my grandma suffer?" But life and death happens. There is no escaping death or reason.
But the biggest thing is, my grandma isn't afraid. She knows God will keep her through no matter what happens. The eye opener to me is, SO MUCH hard shit has happened to our family this year. I should be more depressed and emotionally broken than I am right now but I've been praying this whole time and trusting God to direct my path and he HAS BEEN COMFORTING ME. See, that is how I know. Because I am strangely comforted out of nowhere when I should be in the corner crying and emotionally fucking crippled right now. Plus, God's love is something you feel inside and you have to feel for yourself. Not everyone feels it or even believes in it and that's fine. Just for me, God or whatever it is, is helping me through.
Plus a new friend entered my life and is my soul mate best friend. He is so amazing. His name is Nick and he is going through the transgender transformation. I tell him all the time that I got the best of both worlds in a friend lol. Because I don't get a long with females too well in friendships for very long and I like being friends with guys cause they are laid back but I always miss talking about girly stuff lol. With Nick, I can have both and it's amazing. Not even that, but he is there for me so strongly emotionally. We work together and his dad passed away a year ago so he knows how hard loss can be. He's been real supportive and like my life line.
In the midst of all this death and sadness, the family home we've all lived in for the past 15 years has to be sold because my grandpa's monthly check paid for most of this place. Even if all of us remaining pulled our money together, we would be barely making it every month. My mom is planning to move back to Florida with my sister and she's taking granny. It will be good for them there. Mom was happy and my sister can get back to the school she loved.
It will just be so crazy not living here anymore or having my family in the same state. They've ALWAYS been there. I've ALWAYS had my grandma by my side. I am not going to be okay when she passes. In fact, it's or the best mom takes her down to Florida. I don't need to see granny when she passes cause if I did, I would NOT be alright or able to function. I'd have to go into the hospital. Me and my husband are staying here in Kentucky. Our work and lives and doctors are here and it will finally be good for us to start our private lives together living on our own. It just sucks it has to come with the price of my family going far away. So many conflicting emotions!
However, it's all making me grow up even more. My29th birthday is next Thursday and I've been paying my own bills and working for years but I've always lived at home with granny to be with her. Now I will have to pay and take care of my own home which is a first for me but I am excited. In fact, me and my husband just got us a very adorable apartment this week. Put the deposit down after looking the place over. My mom is giving me a washer and dryer and all kinds of stuff she can't take with her in the move. My grandma even gave me her cadillac since she isn't able to drive it. Once my family leaves and I've moved into my own place and get settled, I'm set to become manager at work. My life is really coming together personally, it's just so hard because the most important person in my life is dying.=(
So I know this was a lot to read but I wanted to say that my story Call Of Duty which is an M. Shadows story will be updated in the next few days. I'm picking the story back up because I miss it and a lot of you all really enjoyed it. If you would like to check it out, here is the link.
CALL OF DUTY
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