31 August 2015

I don't know why I am writing this in a public forum.. It's not something that anyone needs to hear or know about.. I guess that I just want to get things off of my chest in a way that I know how.. The best way that I know how to get in touch with what I'm feeling is by writing it out.. Whether that is in the form of a story, poem, article, essay, or story.

I haven't been able to write a story in a while; not for lack of trying, though. I've been trying mercilessly to write.. I just can't think of anything to write about. Sometimes I write well.. It just depends on what I'm writing about. If I have a true passion for the subject that I'm writing about, it makes it easier to write than something that I have no true interest in.

I don't exactly know how I feel. The only word that I can think to say is love..

I am so deeply in love.. It hurts to think about occasionally. It makes my eyes well with tears that I don't want to see the light of day. There is never any reason for the tears.. I'm not mad or upset. There is no real reason for the tears.. But I want to cry with how much love is in my body.. My heart.

I've been in this steady relationship for nearly five years. That's a long time, considering the fact that I'm 19 and she is 22. We've been working together since high school to help improve ourselves. We've overcome so many obstacles that we've been faced with and our journey has almost completed. We're finished with high school and have been for a while. We're nearly finished with college. It's a journey that we have made because of one another and for one another. We want to make our futures better for one another so that we can take care of each other.

Some day we want a family, but for right now.. Our family consists of each other, our two dogs, and our two snakes. I know that we are an odd bunch, but it is what makes us unique. Without my little "family," I'm pretty sure that I would have gone crazy years ago.

To think that I used to loathe the woman that I am so desperately in love with. She has changed my mind about many things. The only thing that she hasn't changed my mind on is the military. She has only strengthened my opinion about the military solely because she is in the military, just like my father was. The military seems to take every person that I truly care about from me. I've been lucky so far because she hasn't had to deploy. That is not to say that she will not deploy.. They can tell her any day that she will have to deploy in six months. I don't ever want to be the recipient of that letter or email. It will kill me. I'm trying to make a life and they are trying to take my life apart.

Is there something wrong with being this completely in love? Is there a reason as to why I want to cry because of these emotions? I don't truly know how I feel.. I said that earlier.. But I want to know how I feel. I know that none of you are therapists or psychologists.. That doesn't mean that I don't want to get any of this off of my chest.

You don't have to answer me.. If you've read this.. Even if you think that I'm pathetic and stupid.. As long as someone has taken time out of their day to read this idiotic blog. I would appreciate the time that you've given me.

-- Gabby