Stress

I’m so stressed.

I have no idea how to do university applications. I don’t think I can get in. I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. It’s all too complicated. No one in my family has gone to university so? I’m on my own.

What if I don’t get accepted to my #1 choice? I can’t accept it, but it’s more than likely. The Expectation (probably an ASD thing) is Set. I can’t envision anything else.

And if I do get accepted? I have to go through a lot of extra stuff because I really don’t want to be shoved in a dorm with a girl for a roommate (I’m a trans boy). Especially if I’m going to start HRT by then.

So on to gender stuff.

My family claims to be accepting, but they’ll force me to appeal 100% to the masculine gender role. Short hair, no makeup, plain clothes, no shaving, no florals, no bright colors, no shaving...and on and on.

You know, some people laugh at how ‘lol guys are so stuck on masculinity” but you know what? Some of us are forced to go to theses ridiculous lengths or our genders are questioned.

I was having a conversation the other day about a trans boy friend of mine with a cis family member. “If she wants to be a boy, why is she wearing a flower crown?”

Æsj.

I've heard people tell trans boys that they can't actually be boys because they're "too gentle." Talk about gender stereotyping.

And they don’t use the correct name or pronouns. “Well, for medical stuff, you have to mark female,” they say. “You know that, right?” Yes. Yes, I know that. Painfully well. But why does that excuse you?

Hell, when my mom’s playing with the cat and I’m nearby, she’ll point to me and say, “there she [meaning me] is!”

Then, later: “I’m surprised you chose to wear the purple shirt. I know pink is bad, since that’s a girly girl color and all...” She had to add the qualifier ‘girly.’ Obviously, since I’m just “a girl who wants to be a boy” in her eyes.

I can’t make her understand. I can’t.

And I guess it’s my fault that I don’t correct my family. But I’m so scared.

I have too much anxiety to correct them, so they just continue. Even if I correct them, they make a show of it. I’m being rude or “it’s not that big of a deal” or “but do you realize how hard this is for me?”

I’m so done. And they’re the accepting ones. The members of the other side of my family could flat-out disown me. We’re already estranged, but it hurts. It all hurts and I can’t tell anyone for the aforementioned reasons.

And then, to mesh the college/gender thing together, I told someone that I wanted to go stealth in university. I just want to live normally, because I've seen how accepting the so-called allies in my life are. Maybe for LG and sometimes B, but not for T (a trans girl agreed with me on this; we agreed that trans people have to stick together because the rest of the community looks down on us).

I had someone try to dissuade me, because apparently that's being 'deceitful.' Why? Because I'm just a girl in boy's clothes? Right? That's what everyone's been telling me. Fuck that.

Anyway, I hope everyone else is having a good day.