Building My Own Personal Hell

I have made one of my own personal hell this weekend. Me and my (ex) boyfriend were fighting this weekend and I completely messed up. I found out Jesse was using drugs again. So I got mad, extremely, and this was our conversation:
Me: You are just a hypocrite, you want to yell at me for using but you have using more than me your a liar and a hypocrite and I don't want to be with some one who does it bye Jesse this time for real this time.
Jesse: We are not together.
Me: Ok bye then.
Jesse: And I haven't used either.
Me: Ok don't lie to me bitch, I asked your grandma, you're a liar.
Jesse: So what?
Me: Just shove all this far up your a** since we are not together don't lie to me then bye.
Jesse: F***K you, I told you I wasn't playing b***h.
Me: Neither am I.
I'm so f******g pissed right now.
Jesse: Don't care what you do anymore do what you do anymore.
Me: Ok bye.
Jesse: What don't you go f***k Carlos again for pills you w***e.
Me: Just go use. I don't care. Go down that road. I don't care.
Jesse. I'm not but keep thinking that. I'm not using. I'm just with you dumb a**.
Alright. There is more. I want to give you a little back story. I use to be a bad addict and use to shoot up heroin and when I went to jail for two months once I got out I have only relapsed a totally of four times. One when I got out of jail. Second a week later. And to make sure I didn't use while Jesse was in jail he moved me to his grandmas because my mom wont let me live with her so I was staying in dope holes. And I waited patiently for him. And when he got out all we did was go to my drug classes and home. But once I got into school again and he got a job again I would get dropped off at my parents house before school at 6:30a.m. and would not have to go to school till 12p.m. and then after a week I relapsed after a week because I wasn't ready. But a day after I did that he relapsed and when he found out I did what I did he wanted to stick me on a cross and crucify me.

So once he told me the messages above I am one of those people who have way to compulsive thoughts so out of anger I texted this guy who was Jesses diaper buddy. And asked him to pick me up and I had all the intentions in the world to come home that night but right when Devon got there Jesse pulled up and when ape s***t and scared him off and then said I wasn't allowed back at the house well long argument later he said I had to leave the next day. So I was like f***k this and left with Devon and just went to his house cried till 2a.m. and at 5:30 he woke me up to take me home because h had to work. And when I got home I went to sleep for two hours. So at 8:30a.m. I heard loud knocking at the door and it was him and he made me pack my stuff and once I was almost done he told me I could stay but I had to do whatever him and his grandma said, and we arent together and he will bring other girls home. So I realized that agreeing to this I want to say its because I didnt have anywhere else to go but really its because even if we are fighting or he hates me I cant be away from him Im so in love with him it hurts. It hurts so bad, my heart is numb. Im in my personal hell, and I'm to blame.