Gutted

So in my last blog I blabbered on about that placement, well yeah, I didnt get it.
Nobody can blame me for thinking it was mine, in the interview she told me when she wanted me to start, where she wanted me to be, she was basically giving me the job on the table.. I went out and on the way home almost started crying because I thought this was my lucky break....

I was having dreams about working there, I was also fantasising about handing my notice in at my current workplace.. Was I complacent? No, I dont think I was, I though the job was mine and you cant blame me.
Two things might have happened, one is that because of the oil price being low this means loyal workers who have been there for years are being made redundant, therefore they might see my role as a bit pointless, so they may have stopped my role all together.
Another thing that might have happened is that someone she knew applied and she gave it to them, because Ive been around in sport and in work enough to know that it is 100000% who you know and not what you know. Its wrong, but thats the way the world works.
If I were to place a bet Id probably bet on the role being pulled out, it wouldnt surprise me.

I found out by email during my workout and had to stop, I was so angry, so upset, I thought something had FINALLY gone and ended/started/went the way I wanted it to...
I burst into tears and sat there for a good 20 minutes crying thinking what I had to do to get a good break in my life and to finally move forward. I went inside, kicked a few things, I was really really angry and I havent felt like that since the football days.
Im always hard on myself but this is something else, I feel its something Ive done, I see myself as not good enough and I want to improve and prove to myself and everyone else that I am good enough.

Mum told me yesterday to cheer up but no, the next few days Im keeping everything to myself and just thinking a lot, its really hit me quite hard.

In the meantime its made me realise what I said before makes more sense, relying on other people and other business for you, for your income, for your future is just a no go in my mind... This next week Im going to look at starting a website, with the view in the longer time to making it a profitable business. I wont say anymore on here.

Ive also asked for feedback from Schlumberger as to what went wrong and what I can do to improve, Ive also applied for another role that they are advertising but I would put £0 on me even getting an interview, Im slowly giving up on relying on other people to give you what you want, its really getting to me and the only way you will truly get what you want from life is if you go out and get it yourself.

Everything happens for a reason, whats meant to be wont pass you by, fate will give it to you when youre ready... Yes I believe in all of those things and I have had experiences in my life to fully back that up, but at the moment its really difficult to believe in it.

When I was younger I prayed for the chance to play professional football, the next morning I was told I had a trial at the local professional club and spent 1 year there.
Ive experienced two disgusting heartbreaking relationships that have ended and made me grow up into someone I can finally be happy with.
Ive had to constantly be away from 1 parent after Mum moved away, which has resulted in free University tuition and to be honest, a better standard of living....
I know the world knocks you down and after time fate iwill bring you up with happiness and give you things you want, I just feel for a very very long time now Ive been battling a hard battle and Im not really getting anywhere at all... Im just going to get my head down and keep working hard, in the meantime something might pop up, somebody might pop along, anything can happen but for now Ive warned everybody Im going to be a miserable, grumpy, moody quiet git for a couple of days.