You.

I fell so hard for you. I was barely into high school. But I knew one thing, I wanted you in my life forever. I still blame my mother for the end of our relationship. But you were so cruel. Our relationship was manipulative, obsessive, and just plain bad. It was destructive. Yes I loved you, yes you meant the world to me. You were my first love. I will always have feelings. But every time I think of you, just like its always been, I shake and get nauseous. How is it that every time I think I'm happy, you pop back into my head...or appear in some way. I have someone but I know that if given the chance,, I'd go running to you. I know what I did to you was wrong. I realized that after everything was over. I shouldn't have lied to you, shouldn't have pretended to be someone I wasn't. At the time I was confused about who I was and I didn't want to show you the ugliness that was on the outside. After a while I forgot about how I felt and tried to ignore everything to do with. Then I was raped and ended up pregnant. Because I can't have kids, I had to get an abortion. Then my stepdad had a heart attack and my grandpa died almost a year later. Its so frustrating that I will never get you out of my head. I wished at times that I could never had met you or that we could ended up as friends. I would give anything to go back and change a lot of things. I always thought that if you saw what I really looked like, you would run to her. Your best friend, you two were hell on my heart. I loved you both, her as a friend and you as my soulmate. My cousin Kaylen still remembers her. But wants nothing to do with a child who was so nasty to me and claimed that you and her had done things while we were together. She had always said that to me and you denied it. But she said it more after we were done and I didn't know who to believe. That friendship died easily. But she was never really committed to it anyways. She just was nice to me for you. She never actually gave a damn about me. I originally had left this site afterwards because of you and her, because I was afraid that you two would make me feel worse. I basically thought that you would bully me because of my mistakes. I need to be over you so that I don't get sick even thinking about you. It makes me feel guilty, like I'm being mean because I get nauseous when you pop into my head. Maybe its just my nerves. I'm not sure anymore. My best friend would smack if he was still alive and tell me that you were always bad for me. He never really liked what he saw on my computer years later. I will always love you but I'm done with making myself feel like shit. I apologize for everything that happened. Goodbye, my dear, you closed the chapter on us long ago.