My Mental State

I think any mental illness is scary to talk about, especially when it is your own. When I was a teenager, I was the poster child for mental illness. I've been through several diagnoses. I got Clinical depression, Panic Anxiety Disorder, Bipolar Tendencies, etc. Not to mention my years of self-mutilation, drug and alcohol abuse, and suicidal thoughts all before turning 21 years old. All of the years of diagnoses and pills and therapy, I finally got a diagnoses that made sense. Earlier this year, when I switched therapists, I got a diagnosis that explained everything that had been happening to me in the last ten years. My new diagnosis you ask? Borderline Personality Disorder. According to MayoClinic.org, Borderline personality disorder is a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes a pattern of unstable intense relationships, distorted self-image, extreme emotions and impulsiveness.
Borderline Personality Disorder wasn’t anything new to me, because I have been studying psychology since high-school. I was actually surprised I didn’t catch it myself before getting a professional opinion.
For the first few months, I had issues accepting the diagnoses. Personality disorders are something I never thought were real, because your personality is who you are. Some people are impulsive, some people play it safe. Some people are happy, and some people are gloomy. It’s just normal differences between different people.
Going through the symptoms, I realized that it had to be so. I’ve always flirted with death in ways I can’t explain. Drugs, sex, and contemplating suicide was on the daily a few years ago for me. My relationships with others have never been the best. I am either completely wrapped up in one person, or not at all, and my greatest fear of all is being abandoned or forgotten.
I think after putting a name to what is wrong with me has helped me sort through my emotions. I have something to ground myself when I know I’m not being reasonable in my thoughts, emotions, and actions. After all, I am in a better place in my life than I have been in years. I’m living back with my parents while I get everything under control, I’m going to cosmetology school in the spring, and my current boyfriend couldn’t be more supportive and understanding when it comes to my struggle.
You are not your illness. You can overcome. You will be okay.