I think too often I have shitty thoughts that turn into shitty days. That's the way my head works most of the time: things are either brilliantly good or disastrously bad. I struggle to find that gray middle ground. I do think that I'm getting better at it.
This morning Morgan texted me about how she and Colton were going to meet up for coffee and talk about whatever the two of them need to talk about. She’s still dealing with that break up while pursuing something new with me. I understand that. She told me about it last night and it kind of seemed ominous at first, but—I don’t know. I think it’s both that my head jumps to the worst conclusion immediately and also that it’s a weird situation. Morgan and I are dating, but she broke up with her boyfriend of almost five years before we became official. Mostly I want her to be happy.
I was bummed this morning, anyway. Lydia-kind-of-bummed, though, so I had this knot of anxiety with a little vice grip on my chest. I pulled myself out of that. Without weed, mostly. Weed always helps, though, and I don’t know what that means. I probably smoke too much. I smoked too much yesterday.
Sometimes I worry that I put other people before myself too much. I want people around me to be happy, so I take the shitty end of the stick. I’ll put myself on the line so that the people I love can make out alright. By people mostly I mean Morgan. When it comes to her, sometimes I can’t stick up for myself. I don’t know what that means, really. I don’t know what anything means at all.
I’m 19. I’ll be 20 in April, but that’s light years away right now.
My head is kind of scattered around today. I told myself that I would take Shelby for a hike at Lantern after work. Planning to smoke. I’ll probably smoke tonight, too, after Mom is asleep. Is that too much? A couple times a day? I took like 4 or 5 hits this morning of my bowl that I partially smoked last night. I could probably give it a rest, but why bother? Smoking is fun, and it calms me down.
I have to have a conversation with mom sometime soon. We need to call a truce. Really it needs to be me apologizing to her and saying that I’ll get my shit together. She gets so mad at me sometimes that I don’t know what to say. I’m kind of a shitty person, I think. I think I’m the only one who thinks that, but like…aren’t I the only one who really knows who I am? I can see that I do stuff that’s stupid and blindly angry.
I’m not as angry as I used to be. I’m not as sad, either, really, though I have some days. Most of those days I can rip myself back into being happy. I don’t ever want last winter to happen again. I don’t think that it can.
Morgan says that she thinks of our relationship in terms of the long run: she thinks about us in a year, two years. She said that she’s crazy about me. But she misses Colton. What the fuck does that mean? How am I supposed to react to that? What am I supposed to say, or think, or do? I don’t think there’s anything I can do at all.
God, I just really want her to be happy. It scares me that she might feel trapped in our relationship. It intimidates me that she misses Colton as much as she does. It hurts to even consider the idea that she would leave me.
I feel too much. I think that’s what it is. Whenever someone comes close enough I latch onto them, and think so highly of them that when even the littlest thing falters I feel like I might fall apart. I’m too fragile. I wish I could be more tough.
But I think I am tough, in some ways. I think I can take care of myself.
“If it wasn’t this, it would be something else.” That’s a good way to look at things.
How can I start a conversation with my mom? “Hey, I’m sorry for being a shithead.” Sometimes I think I should offer to smoke her up. Hahahaha. She would never say yes.
Oh, today. What a day Tuesdays always are.
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