Is It Worth It All?

I frequently wonder if love is really worth it. I mean, we give ourselves to another person hoping they do the same, but how often do we wind up lonely and jaded? All of my previous relationships have been complete train wrecks--and that's putting it lightly.
My first relationship was the kind of relationship that everyone thought would last forever. I met E the summer before my senior year of high school when I was desperately in love with my best friend. But then E bought me a rose for Valentine's Day and having pulled an all nighter to study for AP Physics the night before, I couldn't help but fall for him. He was my first everything and I remember the early days of our relationship like they were yesterday. But everything fell apart over and over again and then he left me so that he could screw another girl. I'm pretty sure I broke into a million pieces and I still haven't recovered all of them. It didn't work with her and I took him back, now twenty and scorned. I didn't think I would be able to move on or live without him, but when we fell apart the next time I cried for about an hour and then got my shit together. We went back and forth a few more times, each time finding someone else in the in between. First M, an overly handsy paramedic who would've been a fantastic one night stand had I not gone out with him after pulling an all nighter, and then S, an engineer from India who had a nice smile, spoke four languages, and was good in bed. Our final straw came when I left him for A. I cheated.
A was my best friend--the one I was desperately in love with. He came home on leave from the military and reminded me of the conversation we had about feelings when we were drunk. He told me he hoped I was single when he got out of the military so that we could finally be together. He asked me to wait for him, and somehow we wound up making out in the back seat of my car. The next day he told me he loved me and asked me to marry him and I thought about saying yes. The day after he flew back across the ocean and we began a long distance relationship that tore me apart. I worked three jobs and took an eighteen credit course load as a post-bacc student, and there was a six hour time difference. He would be getting up for work when I was getting home at night. He would be getting out of work on my lunch break. At first we Skyped often, and then he fell off the face of the planet and ignored my texts for days. If I couldn't see that he was reading my messages, I might've though he was dead. So I left him right before Thanksgiving and cancelled my flight to go to the UK and spend New Year's with him. And I spent Thanksgiving with E and his family.
E and I contemplated trying things again and we played this back and forth game for months until it broke us again and we went our separate ways. I met J soon after and didn't wait long to pounce. J is amazing and flawless and everything I've ever wanted. But he doesn't have the free time to give me the affection that I need. I love him endlessly but he's too busy to meet my needs. And there's one thing in our future that we don't see eye to eye on. I want kids; he doesn't. I'm a teacher and maternal by nature. I can be livid, but present unto me a child who is sad or a relative with an ailment, and I calm and collect myself to take care. I honestly feel my life would be incomplete if I didn't have children, and he seems to think they're just a nuisance. We've had conversations where he seems to waver, but today he seemed definitive. And it hurt. Because just a week ago I was huddled in a bathroom stall exhausted and shaking taking a pregnancy test. I never told him I thought I was pregnant and I never told him it was negative.
But if it hadn't been, I don't know what I would have done. I play through the scenarios in my mind while I'm driving or falling asleep. There's the wishful scenario: the one where he tells me he doesn't care and that he loves me and he wants whatever I want and being with me has made him want to settle down and start a family someday. Then there's the terrifying scenario where he all but demands I have an abortion and refuses to acknowledge any other choice. I fear that he would react more like the latter.
Is this worth it? Is always having to worry about whether or not our futures will align worth the thrill of being with him right now? I'm not ready for another train wreck, but I also don't think I'm ready to let go.