Nights Like This

It has to be at least a week since the last time you shaved. I can see the short, dirty blonde sprigs of hair from across the room now. You look your age for once; maybe even older. Even though you slept I can still see the exhaustion in your bright blue eyes.
I don't think I've ever told you how mesmerized I am by your eyes. They're the color blue of the ocean on a hazy summer day--the kind of day when you can tell a storm is about to roll in. The shirt you were wearing tonight made them stand out more than usual against your olive complexion. Even exhausted you're the epitome of tall, dark, and handsome. When I told you that you were being cute you ducked your head and ran your fingers through your dirty blonde waves muttering 'no,' but we both know I was right.
You started talking physics to me and I pretended to understand, but I mostly just listened to the excitement and upturn in your voice as you carried on. Its the way I imagine I sound when I talk about genetics or organic chemistry. I know you'll follow the math behind it, but there's a point where you'll listen to the words just because I'm saying them. I know I cracked a smile and laughed with you when you made your point, and I rebuked with some biological concept to maintain my confident position as an intellectual.
When you talk about your work I can't help but smile despite my intense envy. You know exactly what you want to do and you're so dedicated. You're so brilliantly smart that it baffles me. I always thought I was smart until I met you, and you blew me away. I'm a year older than you, and I'm still trying to figure out what I'm doing with my life. I graduated a top tier university with a mediocre GPA and little direction. I've resigned myself to the fact that I'm either going to become a teacher or a biomedical engineer, but I can't seem to choose a definite path. Unfortunately teaching inspires me to question the world around me and pushes me toward research and engineering, but then I want to educate and nurture. I have this back and forth battle between my propensity for knowledge (my stoic, academic side), and my need to nurture (my warm, maternal side). I can see that for you, as a male who finds no comfort in the thought of caring for or having children, leaning into your academic side is natural and logical and easy. For me it will always be a battle.
You look exhausted, and I feel how you look. Today wasn't anything out of the ordinary, but I feel like someone siphoned all of my energy--like they used a straw to suck all of my soul out of my body. Today I can hardly go through the motions without feeling like I'm going to physically break. Trying to figure out what to do with my life; all of the sleepless nights, working on work that may or may not determine my future, are wearing on me. I'm quite certain I've aged five years in the last month. I love you for sticking by me and not criticizing me when I look like hell and I've fallen to pieces.
Everything is crazy right now and its been over a month since we've been intimate, but I know you love me regardless. I hope you know how much I love you and how much being with you has changed me for the better. Thank you for picking up my fragments and gluing them back together.