Let [Him] Go

Its a little after three in the morning, and anyone who has read my other blogs knows that it isn't unusual for me to be awake right now. Three in the morning was the time that I would be sitting with J. doing homework and going on coffee runs and making lists in my mind. Three in the morning was the extent of our quality time. J and I just broke up.
I must have seen this coming because when I finally heard from him today and he said he wanted to talk to me, I knew. There was a tingling in the pit of my stomach and I did everything I could to avoid facing him. Today was the one good day I'd had, as far as depression goes, in weeks, and I wasn't ready to surrender to the darkness again. To top it off I have an organic chemistry exam at 10:00 that I'm nowhere near prepared for. Then it hit me like a semi-truck.
He was tactful, sweet. He ended it through text because I told him I didn't want him to see me cry if that was his intention. He said he didn't have the time to focus on academics and a relationship. It was true, I've said it a thousand times. He said maybe someday. But today someday doesn't help.
Tonight I'm laying in bed, I've just sobered up, and it hit me all over again. It was amicable. We both said we'd be there for one another. But that doesn't help when what I need is for him to hold me one last time and all I see on Facebook are comments on his change in relationship status and him telling everyone it was mutual. It was NOT MUTUAL. This is NOT what I want. But I let him go, because right now he needs to focus on school and I need to focus on being alive.
The pain is fresh and sharp right now. It stirs up old memories, like how J made me one promise: that he wouldn't break my heart. Maybe that's why he keeps saying it was mutual. Then he doesn't have to act like he hurt me. All I know is that right now I feel like I've been stabbed repeatedly and I'm bleeding to death. All I know is that its dark and cold here alone at three in the morning. And I miss him like hell.