Feeling Forgotten

Do you ever get the feeling that your friends forget about you when you hope that on the one day they don't forget? I know I've always felt like that. The biggest time of year that this feeling is rather strong is the day of my birthday. I go out of my way to be there for my friends and my family. I try to help them when they are in need and, yes they help me too when I'm in need, but the one day I wish they would never forget is the day I was born.

I've gotten my best friend wishing me a happy birthday already and it's meant the world to me that she didn't forget. Another friend has wished me a happy birthday too already and again it's made me feel good that at least some of my friends haven't forgotten. But at the same time, the friends I grew up with, the friends I went to high school with, those are the friends that seem to always forget. Sure they apologize later for it and yeah I say it's fine, but really it's not. A piece of me feels like it broke in half knowing they forgot.

I just get the feeling that no one seems to look beyond the pretty smile that seems to be on my face half the time. They don't realize that I am hurting inside and I have no idea why I hurt so much. I play it off that I'm fine, but really am I? I don't know.

I never have parties anymore because my birthday is so damn close to holiday season that work becomes hectic and crazy. Or when I do have an idea for a party or a way to celebrate I get blown off when I do try and invite people. I can understand being busy for work and not really giving myself enough time to really plan anything, but when you get used to people blowing you off it makes you really not want to plan anything from the get go.

My one wish is to finally be noticed and finally let my voice be heard. All I've ever wanted was to be a writer and have it be my career. I've done everything I could possibly think of to be noticed aside from actually trying to submit my ideas to companies for use. I don't want companies to buy my ideas and turn them into something that I've spent years thinking up. No, I want to turn my ideas into a reality and not so I can profit off of them for myself. I want them to be big so I can finally try and help change the world. Again, let my voice be heard. Everyone says that once I'm in a comfortable setting I can be loud. That may be true, but my voice still isn't heard. I get asked by family what's new and what am I doing with my life. I'll be in the middle of explaining what's going on with me when the subject gets changed or someone interrupts me and I just close myself off. It happens all the time and that's a huge reason I have turned to writing, so hopefully one day my voice can be heard.

This post wasn't supposed to be turned into something about my dreams and goals, it kind of just did. I was mostly wanting to rant about how I feel forgotten and left out not only by my friends, but sometimes even my own family. And that's what hurts the most. My own family forgets. My extended family, like my aunts and uncles and cousins they all forget. I make a point to try and remember their birthdays and wish them a happy birthday and I usually get nothing from them. Sometimes I wonder if I should even bother wishing them a happy birthday anymore. Like, would they even notice if I go one year not wishing anyone a happy birthday like I do year after year. What would happen? Would they actually notice? The thought has crossed my mind many a year to just one day stop wishing everyone a happy birthday. Then I start feeling guilty and sad because I know I wasn't raised that way. I was raised to treat people how I want to be treated. Acknowledging birthdays, I feel, is part of that.

I probably shouldn't get so upset over people not remembering my birthday. But when it happens constantly, it makes you wonder sometimes how relevant you really are to people. Makes you question if you really are relevant. Makes you question if you should really continue being friends with those same people or not. I know I've questioned it.

Sorry for the huge rant. Just needed it off my chest.