CHANGES, ***ING CHANGES - destroy lives!

There was a time when this silence was choking me
but i guess ive found a way to make it loosen its grip
and im happy, im actually HAPPY!
AND ITS A BEAUTIFUL THING!!!!!!!!!
and im at a point where i can smother my insecurity
but like all fights in the movies, the bad guy always gets up one last time
for one last punch
but ill beat it in the end.
these past weeks have helped my discover what im going to do my next are assignment on.
and i thank those who have helped me realise.

I dont know whether its jealousy or angst, but when i think about the friends i HAD, yes had, we never talk anymore we never see each other...all because of this change...and i HATE the person who changed it all.
but i know i cant do anything about so im just going walk away
im not going to care
aslong as they know their valued in my heart, thats all that matters to me
i dont care if they dont value me
i just dont give a fuck anymore!

I have some friends who have come through and basically saved me yet again, they know who they are
and i cant say much, but i know they'll know what im talking bout.

I've also realised how ugly i feel around one specific person
he makes me feel so worthless and pathetic
and its funny cause hes madly in love with me
and i cant wait till the day he leaves
i cant wait til the day i break down and tell him all ive been keeping from him
I JUST CANT FUCKING WAIT!
it brings a smile to my face.

Confidence is a thing im working on, and so is self esteem
im gradually getting stronger in those 2 points.
and it feels fan-fucking-tastic!

but the real reason why i rote all this
is because
i just realised, the one person who i had a connection with, to do with music and just random weird thought like 'corn on the cob or cob on the corn' etc. i just realised that, she doesnt even know me anymore!
THAT FUCKING HURTS!!!!!
we rote fucking songs together, we had the same dream! we were goin to start our band...
and then one day it all change, one single person just made it all change.
but im happy she's happy, but im dead because she doesnt even know me anymore...
I value her so much....not in any love or sexual way (just thought id add that in)
but its not good enough..no wait not visible enough for her to realise...she never will
and i cant change that.
so i'll just let it slide by.

ill be writing all night if i continue.
so i guess, farewell.