Tonight.

Well its a long story..But im back..
Im back in Iowa where I am from..
I moved to Georgia early April this year and lived with my ex
I raised my daughter with her and worked all the way through to october..
I left reluctantly because my ex made me very unhappy..
I couldnt trust a word she said and the mis interpretation..and the blowing things out of proportion and the fucking lying 100% of the time.

I got back about over a week ago.
Went to an exorcism.
My darkness...My demons..were ripped from me that night..
I am incapable of anger..i dont feel any hate..
And I have forgiven everything and everyone..
I pray every day..
But i cry my ass off everytime because praying for my daughter is next to impossible without breaking down..

Its been almost a year since she left this town and went to Georgia...and Im still hearing about people she fucked..

It makes me sad..
Because I loved her a lot..maybe I still do..
I dont know much anymore..
Having something that completely dictated your life be ripped from it..Leaves a lot behind..and since thats what I had since I was 14..
Theres a lot of empty space in me..waiting to be filled with real human things..that never got to be there...good things..But I dont understand how the fuck most of it works so its really hard...
That ontop of being alone as fuck.
Everyone involved has to suffer...and for what. seriously..at what cost are these things okay..When did she ever think it was going to work out in the end...

I just miss having someone to hold..even though I never got to..
I used to..
A long time ago..
It really sucks being alone..
But its not different than before..
I was always alone..Maybe not in the physical aspect..
But alone where shit mattered most..in my head..
Now eeverything is different and turned around..
And its no different..
Alone as all fuck..
Quietly dealing with things in myself..But now I understand a hell of a lot less about whats going on inside
The emptiness makes sense though..But even that was all in a good purpose..
..Idk.

I dont even think I know what love is..
My friend tells me Ill figure it out and that Ill never really be alone..that she will help me.
That im like the brother she always wanted..
Yeah..Bullshit.
especially since im pretty sure im falling for her.
Im gonna die alone and I dont even know if I care..
Theres nothing I can do about it anyway

Im not fit for human interaction..
For the first time I feel..human..
But I never really realised how fucking terrible at it I am.

Even the nightmares stopped..
They stopped the day i got back
I met up with Nicole (my friend)
And we went and hung out the first night I got back
I see her everyday..and we just sit and bullshit.
every dream Ive had is about her.
And its driving me fucking crazy..Cuz I wake up and none of it is real.
Im used to waking up..Freaking out..And being thankful that it was just a dream..Now I dont want to dream at all..
Because its stupid.
I dont think I want to die..
But I know I want to disappear..
Jesus..
I sound pathetic..
Nicole says I sound like a woman alot..
Maybe shes right..
But no amount of weed or alcohol will change anything so..what the fuck else am I supposed to do.