I really should be, but I'm having trouble starting it. That, and I'm distracted. Horribly so. I have so many words bouncing around in my head, so many thoughts, all of which have nothing to do with my essay. There are so many things I can't tell you. I want to, but I can't. There is no question of whether I would tell you, or if fear would overtake my courage; I would find a way to put my thoughts, my feelings into words It's just I can't tell you. So maybe if I put them down here, I can focus just long enough to do my homework... Even if it is all just rambling.
Where can I begin?
My first impression of you was wrong. I was too quick to judge, too caught up in other issues. You have no idea, but I feel so horrible for those passing thoughts that I may not have liked you. How could I have even decided that? I didn't know you. I knew nothing about you.
And then everything flipped on me and before I could even realize it, I was completely caught off guard by your personality, your humor. I didn't realize at first how much your presence brightened my day.
And it was when I began to realize that, that I was caught. You had caught my attention, made think. You are so different than anyone I've ever met, and I am floored by the contrast you've brought to everything else in my life, and I appreciate it so much.
You frustrate me, but not to the point of anger. There are things about your personality that I have picked up on, the maturity that lies behind that wonderful, beautiful sense of humor. It's so incredibly charming, yet you don't realize it. There is a strength to you, too; you've seen sorrow, felt pain, yet you remain rooted and strong in your faith. I have always wished I could be like that, wished I could have the faith that you do, but I cannot. But for the first time, I wished that something could have been different; not different in the sense that I would go back and erase everything, because I have long accepted my past, despite my hatred of it, but different on a personal level. I wish I had that strength I've seen in you but I do not, and because of that, I envy you slightly.
But you are not perfect, are you? No, no one is. You have things you would change about yourself; insecurities from a different time. Every time that insecurity shines through, every time you say you are not happy with yourself, I have to restrain myself. I have to resist saying the thought that always crosses my mind.
It's one thing to always try and better yourself, but if for some reason you think you need to change for a superficial reason, because you think people may not like you as well... Or something like that, then don't.
I have to resist saying that. I have to resist saying I think you are fine just the way your are, that you are wonderful as you are. I may have said that I disagree with your opinion on yourself, but what does one opinion matter? You're not going to believe me if I say I disagree, but I can say no more than that, least someone else, or maybe even you, see right through my words. Because the reality is that I really like you, more than I should.
But everything can be so easily misconstrued, and its utterly infuriating. I have to be careful what I say, I have to hold be back.
But if I didn't have to, if I could say what was on my mind, how much would you appreciate, I wonder? I don't know.
I just wish I could tell you. But I cannot.
So I just reserve myself back to the very edge of that line I cannot cross. But I am dying to tell you how much I appreciate you. Every smile, every goofy joke. It lights up my day every single time and that is something that does not happen very often.
You have no idea how much I appreciate the time you take to talk to me, to include me in certain things. The fact that I am one of the first people you consider talking to when you need an opinion on something creative, or something else, I appreciate that so much.
You don't know how much that helps me on a regular basis. You like to help people, you've said as much, and that kindness you have for other people makes me smile. You said you want your kindness to make an impression on people, and it certainly has on me. I want nothing more than to do the same for people, and the fact that your selflessness is so genuine... It's beautiful, amazing.
And the best part is that I can see it in your eyes. That's what makes them so beautiful, and one of the reason you can make me smile so easily. So truly.
I don't have enough people in my life who can truly make me smile, but you can.
But I can never tell you any of this.
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