Megalomania
noun\ meg·a·lo·ma·nia \ˌme-gə-lō-ˈmā-nē-ə, -nyə\
a condition or mental illness that causes people to think that they have great or unlimited power or importance.
I often feel as though I'm but an actor on a stage. It doesn't matter the situation. I could be at work, in class, or out with friends. But no matter the situation most of my life feel scripted to gain what it is I crave the most: the attention and praise of my peers. It is here that I self confess, I do a lot of things just for the attention they grab.
After all, I'm deserving of it am I not? I'm beautiful, I'm charming, I'm often all-encompassing. I can see both sides of the coin, a rare and valuable skill to have in social situations. I never step on anyone's toes.
But life, because of this, can sometimes feel so empty. So barren. If all I do is but for the attention and potential that it brings to myself then what is the point of this life but that? The shallow praise of my peers is substituted in for anything religious or spiritual. It's an addiction that I must break if I'm ever to transcend into anything at all. And yet I cannot. I'm an addict. Perhaps one day, 30 years wiser and older, I'll be able to stop and look at what my life means and amounts to and be able to turn it around. But right now I'm too young and too stupid to do anything about it. I recognize my delusions, I recognize that 99% of the population could care less about me and yet I still hear them goading me on in life.
Most nights there is little that scares me other than my own inner workings.
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